tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66203816475086400132024-02-20T09:35:05.378-08:00Strawberry Toaster OvenDescription of what? What am I supposed to put here? I'm going to assume it's asking me to write a short story, because it's asking for 500 characters max. I think Star Wars has something like 750 characters. Waiting For Gideaut has 2. That's like, a LOT less than 500.
Can I go now? My teeth hurt.The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-66929168967569614172011-11-19T15:07:00.000-08:002011-11-19T15:29:44.170-08:00THE HEAT INDEX: November 2011Songs about shoes, Italian Stallions, Nazi stormtroopers, and seven other things that make November a sexy, sexy month.<br /><br />ASSASSIN'S CREED: REVELATIONS<br />One of the most addictive series of games ever made, period. The final installment of Ezio Auditore's adventures through Renaissance Europe come to a close. The ending is supposed to be orgasmic. Cannot wait to see what happens next!<br /><br />A&W GRANDMA BURGER<br />The Burger Family has a new member! Apparently, Grampa's been holding out on us; his wife Grandma just got thrown into the fray with a prime rib burger. The verdict? One yummy senior citizen.<br /><br />ELDEST<br />The book may be about six years old now, but it's still friggin good fantasy considering it was written by a teenager! The last installment of the Inheritance Cycle is supposed to come out later this month, so we here at <span style="font-style: italic;">STU</span> are getting caught up on what's been happening in Alagaesia to prep for the final exam!<br /><br />FOSTER THE PEOPLE<br />This indie-pop band straight outta Los Angeles has a unique, funky sound that we can't get enough of! If "Pumped Up Kicks" doesn't make you smile, you're weird.<br /><br />THE NEW DCU<br />The DC Comics Universe rebooted itself a couple of months ago, but its stories are really gearing into full heat now. We recommend <span style="font-style: italic;">Justice League, Batman</span> and anything involving a <span style="font-style: italic;">Green Lantern</span> character.<br /><br />ONCE UPON A TIME<br />Since <span style="font-style: italic;">LOST</span> left the airways, it left quite the sizeable gap in our hearts. but that gap just may be filled by Eddie Kitsis & Adam Horowitz's new kick-ass fairy tale drama project, <span style="font-style: italic;">Once Upon A Time</span>. With a very creative story, extremely cool characters, and visual effects a little too good for TV, this new fall show may very well deliver the happy ending we've been craving!<br /><br />SHAZAM<br />We love apps that do cool things. We love FREE apps even more. So when we got the chance to identify songs just by holding our phones up to the radio <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> we didn't have to pay a penny for it, it was a match made in musical heaven.<br /><br />THE SOUND OF MUSIC<br />Being back in a play after having performed it 10 years ago was surreal to say the least! But not only did the play go well, we got a standing ovation, a visit from the mayor, and an ajudication that rocked the house. I'm sure it was all because of that one sexy fellow who played the butler, though... ;)<br /><br />THE VILLAGE<br />This hidden gem in downtown Brampton popped up on our radar when we were looking for a quick bite at 7am. Serving all-day breakfast at insanely good prices (you can get two fried eggs, two sausages, a coffee, plenty of toast, and the hash brown you've ever tasted for only 6 bucks!), this little slice of awesome is now on our favourites list.<br /><br />ZELDA: SKYWARD SWORD<br />The game isn't out yet but the excitement keeps mounting! Unlike the Call of Duty or Assassin's Creed series, Zelda games take a along time...but it's worth the wait! The newest addition, six years on the heels of its predecessor, is supposed to knock all of the previous games out of the water, and deliver an 80+ hour quest that takes Link to the sky and beyond. Pass the bomb flowers, please.The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-10451436494855534182010-03-22T11:45:00.000-07:002010-03-22T12:12:05.600-07:00Percy Jackson & the Olympians: Epic Failure<span style="color:#ff0000;">Wherever he is, I need to find director Peter Jackson and give him a big hug: he seems to be the only living human being in Hollwyood who knows how to properly adapt a novel into a screenplay.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The "Harry Potter" flicks are great, though they have some fuzzy moments where they really make you wish you were reading the books instead. The "Lovely Bones" movie was enjoyable but unforgiveably left out too many important details. The "Golden Compass" movie bored the shit out of everyone and was completely abandoned. The "Eragon" movie was so poorly-executed that all of the people involved like to conveniently leave it off of their resumes.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">And then there's the film adaptation of "Percy Jackson & the Olympians".</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Let's play a game. It's called What The Fuck. Every time the Percy Jackson movie deviates from the book in a way so ridiculous that it has no justification, we say "What The Fuck". Ready? K, here goes:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BOOK: The Greek gods are featured a lot, especially Dionysus, Ares, Hades, and Poseidon. The Olympians are central to the entire series, and play key points in the first book. The book is essentially about them warring with each other.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">FILM: The Greek gods argue a bit, but otherwise are barely seen. Hades' entire subplot disappears, and instead he's reduced to something much smaller and less significant. Dionysus and Ares (who is one of the main antagonists) are never even mentioned by name.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What the Fuck.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BOOK: Percy deals with a minotaur, the medusa, a chimera, clockwork spiders, enchanted Lotus flowers, Charon the boatman, Cerberus, and a host of other creatures from Greek myth. He is given pearls by a water nymph during his quest to retrieve the lightning bolt.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">FILM: Percy deals with a minotaur, the medusa, enchanted Lotus flowers, and a hydra. They are guarding the pearls for some reason. They've been dumbed down.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What The Fuck.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BOOK: Percy's mother's soul gets trapped in the Underworld, and throughout the whole story he's debating about how to free her. When he finally reaches Hades, he makes the hero's decision to not be selfish, and chooses to save the world instead. He, Grover, and Annabeth escape the underworld and continue their quest.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">FILM: Percy's mother's soul gets trapped in the Underworld. When he reaches Hades, he frees her without hesitating. but since only three of them can escape, he leaves with his mother and Annabeth. Grover stays behind and has sex with Hades' wife for some reason.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What The Fuck.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BOOK: There are 3 villains. Luke, who is a camper and friend of Percy's, working with the Titan Lord to wreak havoc against the gods. He steals the lightning bolt as part of the Titan's master plan. He remains a main villain throughout all 5 books; Kronos, the Titan Lord, who is struggling to be free of his prison and kill the gods. He uses Luke as his puppet to carry out his schemes. He remains a main villain throughout all 5 books; and Ares, god of war. He steals the bolt from Luke and tries to use it to start a war on Olympus, simply because he's a war-monger and loves bloodshed.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">FILM: There is one villain: Luke. He steals the lightning bolt because he doesn't like the gods and he's a pissy emo kid. Percy kills him, thereby nulling his character progression throughout the remaining four chapters of the saga. Kronos and Ares are apparently nonexistent.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What The Fuck.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I could seriously do this all day. Long story short, this is THE worst adaptation I've ever seen of anything, ever. Period. It's like, you know how people say "Oh, the book is always better than the movie"? Well, it's like whoever wrote this movie was trying to prove those people right. Like, they had a bet going on with somebody who disagreed with that statement, and they said, "Oh yeah? Watch this. Books ARE better, and I'm gonna prove it. Bam! Here's the Percy Jackson screenplay!" What a shitload of ass.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This movie rates a 14% for me. May Zeus strike it down.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-77934727691741580342010-03-22T11:36:00.000-07:002010-03-22T11:44:29.315-07:00"Cop Out": This is Madness!<span style="color:#ff0000;">I went to go see "Cop Out" with only a little expectation. All I knew was that it was a cop/buddy movie directed by Kevin Smith. And if Smitty had his hands on it, then right on. I enjoy his stuff a lot. But what I didn't realize until AFTER the end credits rolled was that Smith only directed the film; he didn't write it.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Instead of Smith's trademark witty/funny/oh-so-true dialogue, we just got some average comedic banter between the two main characters, who were pretty funny, for the most part. Attached to the movie were two folks I love: Rashida Jones (I would SO do her) and Kevin Smith (ditto); aside from that, the movie was completely mediocre to me. It wasn't bad by any means, but nor was it outstanding or different. It was a by-the-numbers cop comedy with a teeny, TINY bit of Smith's trademark brand of humor mixed in for good measure (including a small appearance by one of his regular actors, Jason Lee).</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Other than that, there really wasn't much to it. I think the most I could give "Cop Out" is a 53%. But that's all only relative, of course.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">By the way, I don't know who the Mexican lady was in it, but she was adorable!</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-29967305032506100732010-03-03T15:19:00.000-08:002010-03-03T15:32:34.090-08:00"The Lightning Thief": It's All Greek, baby!<span style="color:#ff0000;">"The Lightning Thief" is the first book in the Percy Jackson series, and it was quite good.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I'll start off with the elephant in the room: YES, there are many similarities to Harry Potter. Percy is a young boy of 12 years who never quite fit in in the real world and suddenly finds out he's one of many demigods roaming the earth, so he is sent to a camp in the countryside where demigods are trained to become heroes. Ditto Harry, only with wizards. The demigods are a secret society, constantly trying to keep their kind a secret from the mortals. Ditto Harry, only with Muggles. The demigods are sorted into 12 different cabins at their camp, depending on which Greek god they were sired by. Ditto Harry, only with a talking hat. Percy discovers that he is very powerful, and along with his two best friends Grover & Annabeth, gets into a mishmash of adventures on his way to defeating the evil titan lord Kronos, whose name people are somewhat afraid to speak aloud. Ditto Harry, only with Ron, Hermione, and Voldemort.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">But you know what? Who cares?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I loved the Harry Potter books, and if Percy Jackson is gonna be similar, then right on! If you're gonna have a lot in common with another series, it may as well be the best fuckin' book series of all time!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I really enjoyed this book. The best part about it for me was seeing how many creative ways the author Rick Riordan introduced a character or creature from Greek mythology, but presented it to us in a modern way. For example, Ares (god of war to all you PS2 fans out there) is portrayed as a buff, Hulk Hogan-like man with red-tinted sunglasses and a motorcycle with flames painted on it. Medusa (who would turn people to stone at a glance) is portrayed as a woman in a turban who owns a stone lawn ornament emporium. It's clever stuff, and Riordan pulls it off pretty well. The story itself is very well-thought-out, and even though it's a tad on the juvenile side (it REALLY appeals to the Miley Cyrus crowd) it still doesn't fail to deliver.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Oh, and Grover the satyr is pretty damn funny, too.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"The Lightning Thief" gets an 80%. Can't wait for Book 2!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-82354819731080854952010-03-03T15:02:00.000-08:002010-03-03T15:18:10.472-08:00"Bad Twin": A LOST Cause<span style="color:#ff0000;">In the television show LOST, there is a character who was on board Oceanic Flight 815 by the name of Gary Troup. He's the guy we see in the pilot who gets sucked into the jet engine when Locke distracts him. Later, in Season 2, we see Sawyer reading a book manuscript, saying that the author was on the plane and had the manuscript in his luggage. That book was "Bad Twin", which was actually written (in real life) as a tie-in to the show, and distributed by ABC Studios and Bad Robot.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Unfortunately, it's lame-sauce.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Bad Twin" is about some private detectvie named Paul Artisan, who lvies in New York and doesn't know what to do with his life. Then he gets a visit from some rich bastard named Clifford Widmore, who asks Paul to find his missing mirror-twin brother, Zander. The rest of it is just by-the-numbers detective mystery, and not even the good kind.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Aside from a main character having the surname "Widmore", a passing mention of Mr. Cluck's Chicken Shack, and the blurb at the back of the book mentioning Gary Troup's disappearance on Oceanic 815, there's very little in the story to tie into the canon of LOST. Judging by everything the book says about Troup himself, he's rumored to have had a romance with Cindy Chandler, the flight attendant from LOST who gets kidnapped by the Others (she even appears as a character in the book). But judging by the way she was flirting with Jack Shephard in the pilot, chances are that romance wouldn't have lasted anyway.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The book just drags on and on, with Paul questioning odd people who keep turning up dead, and finally finding Zander in a somewhat anticlimactic (and bizarre) conclusion involving Zander's stepmom's jealous ex-husband...yeah, I know.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The worst part of the book is Paul's best friend, an old professor named Manny. Throughout the entire book, Manny constantly irritates Paul (and the reader) with fucking anecdotes about Dante and Shakespeare and <em>The Iliad</em>. Seriously, that's all the guy ever talks about. At one point, Paul calls him to see how he's doing, and Manny responds with, "Oh, not bad. I was just sitting at home, thinking about King Lear. Did you know that..." WHAT? Who the fuck just sits at home ruminating about characters from 400-year-old plays? And then he goes on to explain the most obvious goddamn things, and you can't help but groan. "Hey Paul, isn't it funny how you're looking for the left-handed twin, which is called <em>sinister</em> in Latin, which is funny because he's supposed to be the <em>bad twin</em>?" Oh, my God, shut the hell up!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">All in all, it was a totally unremarkable book, completely blase' in every way, and if it weren't for the LOST tie-in, I'm sure nobody would even look twice at it. It's really too bad that a show as good as LOST has so little in the way of good merchandise. This book is lame. The board game is lame. The video game sucked to high hell. The action figures, while impressively detailed, can't pose well, and there's only a few of 'em. I demand decent LOST merch, damn it!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I give "Bad Twin" 48%, and I think I'm being generous with that one.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-92105244686583596972010-03-03T14:53:00.000-08:002010-03-03T15:01:40.083-08:00"The Stand": It's The End of the World! (As we know it)<span style="color:#ff0000;">Stephen King's "The Stand" was bloomin' brilliant, and I say that without a hint of British or Australian in my ethnicity!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Basically, if you like LOST, you'll like "The Stand", because the LOST writers have admitted that this book is pretty much their #1 insipration when they're writing the show. And it certainly shows, especially with how Season 6 is shaping out!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"The Stand" is about a virus created by the military called Captain Trips. One night, some idiot accidentally sets the virus loose (it's not really clear how), and all of a sudden it's spreading like wildifre throughout the entire United States, killing millions upon millions of people. The book focuses on an ensemble group of characters, about 15-20 of 'em, who are part of the small percentage of humans immune to Captain Trips. For a while, we watch these folks try to figure out what to do in a world suddenly devoid of other people (not to mention no electricity).</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Then it starts getting supernatural. Some people in the group dream about an old woman named Mother Abigail, who beckons them to her farm in Nebraska. Others dream of a man dressed in black, a sinister, demonic man named Randall Flagg, who beckons them to his lair in Las Vegas. By the end of the book, both Abigail & Flagg have a veritable army of followers, with Abby's people being the kind-hearted heroes and Flagg's being the chaotic, wild anti-heroes/villains. A kind of war ensues between the two armies, & it's pretty damn cool. As always, the story caps off with King's trademark creepiness and not-quite-so-happy ending.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This book is a monster, clocking in at over 1100 pages, but well worth the read. I give it a solid 86%.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-72378157604723459562010-02-11T18:09:00.000-08:002010-02-11T18:28:44.918-08:00"Role Models": Looking for McLovin in All the Wrong Places<span style="color:#ff0000;">I got around to watching the movie</span> <span style="color:#ff0000;">"Role Models". While it had some funny parts, I think it was the laziest comedy I've ever seen.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">By lazy, I mean almost everything seemed to be recycled from previous comedy movies. I will always have a major man-crush on Paul Rudd, but he didn't do it for me in this movie. His character was flat & didn't really go through much change; it seemed kinda like a role they had orgiinally written for Ben Stiller, but he declined, so they gave it to Paul instead. Also, I really didn't give a shit about his relationship with Elizabeth Banks, cute as she may be. The story should've stuck to the relationships between the two grown-ups & their 'littles'. Still on the subject of recycling, Christopher Mintz-Plasse was very funny as McLovin, but it would've been nice to see the poor guy get a role that wasn't "the Nerd" again.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The character who was the most recycled was Sean William Scott's; in "American Pie", Scott plays a constantly-horny, partially-psychotic wacko whose heart is bigger than his brain, named Stiffler. In "Role Models", Scott plays a constantly-horny, partially-psychotic wacko whose heart is bigger than his brain, named Wheeler. Oooooooo! Progress! I'm surprised there weren't any characters ranting about wanting to bang "Wheeler's Mom".</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The gem of this film, for me, was Bobb'e J. Thompson, who played Ronnie. He's gotta be one of the funniest kids I've ever seen in a movie (it's not often they get kids to swear on film, but Bobb'e just went off the charts!). And of course, the movie gains points for having the funniest woman alive in it: Jane Lynch, I love ya.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I liked the L.A.I.R.E. aspect, very funny. It was a good excuse for the writers to make things super-climactic, and at the same time, incredibly silly. I just wish the action & humor didn't have to die down just so we could get that LAME ending with Paul Rudd singing to his girlfriend.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">All in all, I'd say Role Models scores a solid 54% on the Grading System That I Made Up Myself.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Oh, and if you liked Wheeler & are interested in seeing what else his character has been up to, check out "American Pie", "American Pie 2", and "American Pie 3: The Shove-Stifler-Down-Our-Throats Extravaganza in 3-D".</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-66743623648939816502010-01-28T18:00:00.000-08:002010-01-28T18:09:36.690-08:00"Paradise Lost": Angels n Demons n nudies, oh my!<span style="color:#ff0000;">"Paradise Lost" is an epic poem written by John Milton a million years ago, or at least, so it sounds. It was actually written sometime in the 1660s, I believe.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">If you have ever been to a church or synagogue even once in your life, then chances are you know the plot of PL. Basically, it's about Satan. When God announces that He's gonna make a species of people called humans, and give them free will over their entire lives (as well as their own personal paradise on earth), Satan gets pissed. Green with envy, he starts a rebellion of angels, but gets his ass kicked and then is subsequently banished to hell. So he hatches an elaborate plot to mess with the humans. If you know the story of Adam & Eve, then you'll know that he succeeds, thus boning the human race forever.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Since everybody pretty much knows this story, there's not much in the book to shock or surprise. Even if M. Night Shyamalan had written this, he'd be hard pressed to find a way to add any kind of twist at all. But Milton told the story in a very cool way. I bet if this were a movie, the visuals would be fantastic. Since this book is actually one ginormous poem, I'd reccomend reading it out loud for maximum enjoyment.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Paradise Lost" gets a 79% in my Good Books.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-81587088519903393602010-01-28T17:52:00.000-08:002010-01-28T18:09:54.669-08:00"Avatar": Blue People F***ing<span style="color:#ff0000;">Because of its huge hype and apparently inevitable position at the top of the list of the most profitable movies ever, there's not much to say about Jimmy C's newest epic wonderfest that hasn't already been said somewhere else, by a more articulate speaker than me.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">But opinion-wise, I enjoyed it lots & lots. The Sigourney Weaver/mech suit "Alien" callbacks were very cool. The Na'vi looked awesome. Quaritch was a great villain. Pandora was a well-imagined and admirably detailed world. The story was simple yet entertaining. This movie felt like it had already been a 20-year-old classic from the moment it was released.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Cameron says he has two sequels planned, so I'm really looking forward to "Avatars" and "Avatar3", and then, inevitably, some new director will take over and bring us "Avatar Ressurection", which will be poorly-received by audiences worldwide, placing the whole Avatar franchise into limbo until, 20 years later, somebody decides to revivie it by making "Avatar vs. Cloverfield". But that only makes things worse.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I grant upon Avatar all the love of Ewah, as well as an 86%.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-60490619864275691912010-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:002010-01-27T17:43:48.507-08:00"The Third Policeman": It's NOT About A Bicycle<span style="color:#ff0000;">The Third Policeman is a book by Flann O'Connor, who is so obviously Irish it's not even funny.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The book, on the other hand, is VERY funny. It's more of an absurdist humor, though. In layman's terms, that means WACKY. i.e., if you have trouble understanding things that make very little sense (such as an infinite number of increasingly smaller treasure chests inside one another) then chances are you won't find this book very funny at all.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">But I enjoyed the craziness of it all, and the twist at the end was "neat" as they said in the 1970s. The bicycles becoming human (and vice versa) was an astounding bit of creativity on the author's part. A lot of de Selby philosophy bogged it down a bit, though, and I'm still not 100% sure id the guy was real or not. If not, then O'Connor went to some great freaking lengths just to write down all of ideas and beliefs.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">All in all, an enjoyable read. Short & sweet, but a bit lacking in palces for inexplicable reasons. I give it 73% on the Cycle-o-Meter.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-37816765096510489602009-11-04T21:45:00.000-08:002009-11-04T21:49:05.305-08:00"Finding Lost, Season 5": The Penultimate Pleasure<span style="color:#ff0000;">Aside from finally being able to see my name in print, there were so many great aspects of this book that I just couldn't name them all. Basically, if you like the show and follow it religiously as I do, then you'll find a gold mine of information.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This is the fourth book in Nikki Stafford's "Finding Lost" series. The first book covered Seasons 1 and 2, the second book covered Season 3, and the third covered Season 4. They're just chock full of detailed info and interesting facts that'll make even the most die-hard fans raise their eyebrows in surprise. Can't wait for the last one!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I give this book 9 Compasses out of 10.</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-40176601808159816702009-11-04T21:36:00.000-08:002009-11-04T21:44:31.247-08:00"Saw VI": It Never Ends<span style="color:#ff0000;">The "Saw" franchise is fucking mind-blasting, and it's remained one of the most consistent and entertaining movie franchises ever. There's only one problem: it never ends!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">When the posters were first going up for "Saw VI", they said it would be the final film. I thought that was awesome, we'd get closure on the story and find out the fates of all the characters. But no, they lied. The studio wants more money, so "Saw VII" is already in the works. Okay, I thought. there are 7 Harry Potter movies, 7 a'int such a bad number. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! The studio wants even more money than that so, sorry, but "Saw VIII" is gonna have to be made too.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">On the TV show "LOST", the writers' dreams came true when ABC told them they could end the show after the sixth season. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to write episodes knowing how the ending would pan out, and how long it would take to get them there. Well, the "Saw" films are almost as complex as "LOST"; why the fuck can't the producers be sensible and do the same damn thing? These movies would be so much more amazing if we would only know which one of them was gonna answer all our questions!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Anyway, "Saw VI" was great, way better than the last installment, which was arguably the series' weakest link. It contained a bunch of great twists, like any good "Saw" movie should, and ended with a very interesting and gory cliffhanger.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I want more! (But not another 9 more, okay, guys? Please don't turn this into "The Land Before Time". As great as these movies are, if I see a marquee for "Saw XXVIII", I'm gonna shoot somebody).</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I give this movie 8 Rusty Reverse-Bear Traps out of 10.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-47351786956366030862009-11-04T21:28:00.000-08:002009-11-04T21:36:08.619-08:00"The Lovely Bones": Metaphorical Bones, You Sicko<span style="color:#ff0000;">Long story short, this book was a stunner!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Susie Salmon gets raped & murdered, then spends the entire book narrating on her observations from heaven, as she watches her family struggle through the turmoil of her death.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What a fascinating idea for a book; personally, I'm surprised someone didn't do this sooner! The author does a great job covering all the different aspects of loss (and coping with it) that the Salmons go through, as well as painting us a terrifying and creepy villain in George Harvey. But what she does best is write about some of the most mundane, routine aspects of human life, and never once does it seem boring or slow the pace of the book.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The scene where Jack teaches his son how to play Monopoly and tells him of his sister's death all at the same time is the stuff of tear-jerking awesomeness, as is the very end of the book. Since you see the story through Susie's eyes the entire time, a small part of you can't help but hope that her family will get to see her/say goodbye. But in the end, her death is as real as any death: the Salmons never see her again, but they learn to accept that, and life continues on. The end is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I give this book 9 Lovely Bones out of 10.</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-12275239642126512242009-11-04T21:13:00.000-08:002009-11-04T21:28:25.529-08:00"9": Ragdolls & General Confusion<span style="color:#ff0000;">When "Star wars" first premiered on Memorial Day, 1977, it thrust fans into an unfamiliar galaxy, filled with unfamiliar vehicles and creatures, and unfamiliar planets inhabited by unfamiliar characters, all set to the backdrop of an unfamiliar war. People LOVED it.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"9" thrusts us into an unfamiliar reality, on our <em>own</em> planet, with our <em>own</em> technology and science...and the movie made no fucking sense.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">So, long story hort, some asshole creates a bunch of war machines, the machines get too smart and turn on the humans (a la "The Terminator"). That part I can grasp. So, because all of this happened, a mad scientist transfers his soul into nine individual ragdolls with unique personality traits. That part, not so much. Why the hell would he need to do that? The cells we see forming at the end happened because of rain. The ragdolls didn't create the rain! They just ran around, spewing their despressing "our lives are difficult" babble, getting killed off by whatever the hell that machine-thing was, and then the ghost disappear into heaven and, in a perfect example of pathetic fallacy, it starts raining.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Woo.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">So, what was the point? Did the scientist have any reason to create those ragdolls, other than to prove that he could pull off such a procedure in the first place? No. Sure, the ragdolls destroyed the machine, but by pure fluke. The scientists couldn't possibly have expected them to actually do it. Why was the monster eating ragdolls? Was that explained? No. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">And if all the dolls were just bits of the scientist's soul, then why was one of them a woman? And why did another one of them fall in love with her? How the hell could a soul fall in love with itself?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I don't know, this movie was too fucking weird. I walked out of the theatre and spent the next two days trying to figure out what the hell it was I just watched. The animation looked great, but story-wise, it had all the appeal of an old shoe. People who were expecting the next "Nightmare Before Christmas" were definitely disappointed by this one.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I give it 2 Buttons out of 10.</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-74847805527032024222009-07-02T17:03:00.000-07:002009-07-02T17:25:36.689-07:00Happy Canada Day, America!<span style="color:#ff0000;">So yesterday was the first of July, making it Canada Day. I find it strange that Canada Day is only three days before the 4th of July, which is the day that <em>America</em> chooses to celebrate Canada Day (those Americans, always trying to be different!).</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I have no idea how old Canada is turning this year, but judging by the state of the polar ice caps and the age of some rock formations I saw in northern Alberta, I'm gonna say...twenty-six million, give or take.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">For those of you not familiar with our home and native land, here are a few fuin facts about Canada Day. You can use these facts to impress your friends and co-workers!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-pilgrims chose to name the country Canada because their first choice, <em>Gre</em>nada, was already taken.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-Canada is nicknamed "the Great White North", and it received that nickname because it is always snowing, in every single part of the country. Forever.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">- some of the things invented by Canadians: hockey, basketball, ice cream, beavers, long underwear, lumberjacks, modesty</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-the capital city of Canada is called Toronto, and it has the world's biggest radio tower in it.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-the Emperor of Canada is a man named Tim Horton.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-our national colour is plaid.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">There you have it, true believers! Hopefully, you won't forget about Canada Day like I did, and next year you can celebrate it with fireworks and alcohol, just like the Ojibwa tribes used to do it!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Now I leave you with the parting words coined by the Canadians in 1987: "Smell ya later!"</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Canada is, like, the Texas of America."</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> -Robin Joseph Williams, clearly confused</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-47361207501075607142009-06-01T22:12:00.000-07:002009-06-01T22:21:55.060-07:00BLOG!<span style="color:#ff0000;">I just realized that the word BLOG is extremely funny.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I mean, it reminds me of so many different things, the first being the word "log". and that could be interpreted either as a log in the woods, or another word for shit.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BLOG also sounds like the word "blob", which reminds me of the monster movie of the same name, as well as that Goosebumps book, "The Blob That Ate Everyone." There should be a follow-up called "The BLOG That Ate Everyone", but I think R.L. Stine quit writing. which is just as well, because his stuff was so juvenile and repetitive that it made the writing in "Coyote Ugly" seem clever.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">So, whenever somebody says "I'm blogging", I picture one of two things: either a person sitting on the toilet, dropping logs while they type away on a laptop...or I picture a person turning into a revolting pile of jelly, swallowing everything in site and losing any capability of speaking, save for the word BLOG, which would make them some kind of Pokemon, I guess.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Another, more grotesuqe meaning for the word BLOG could be the term used to describe when two incredibly obese people have sex with one another. For example:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">TOM: Hey, where are Dirk and Janice? You know, that really fat couple?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BILL: Oh, them? They're in the other room. They're blogging.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">TOM: Eeeeeww...</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">And earlier:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">DIRK: (to Janice) i want you to blog my brains out.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I think it works perfectly, even if it does put an unpleasant picture in your mind.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">BLOG!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-16899448244525364562009-05-06T19:32:00.000-07:002009-05-06T20:04:45.905-07:00Great Things Come in Twos<span style="color:#ff0000;">I started reading this novel called <em>The Templar Legacy</em>, by some guy named Steve Berry. Less than a chapter into it, I began experiencing severe deja vu...mainly because the book has the exact same plot as <em>The Da Vinci Code</em>! And it came out two years <em>after</em> it. Check it out, here is the jacket text of <em>The Da Vinci Code</em>:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> "While in Paris on business, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> receives an urgent late-night phone call...As Langdon and a gifted</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> French cryptologist, Sophie Neveu, sort through the bizarre riddles,</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> they are stunned to discover a trail of clues hidden in the works of</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> Da Vinci...In a frantic race through Paris and beyond, Langdon and</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> Neveu find themselves matching wits with a faceless powerbroker</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> who appears to anticipate their every move. Unless they can decpiher</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> the labyrinthine puzzle, the Priory's secret -and an explosive ancient</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> truth- will be lost forever."</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Now, here is the jacket text of <em>The Templar Legacy</em>:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> "Onetime U.S. operative Cotton Malone teams up with his former</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> supervisor, Stephanie Nelle, to find the legendary cache of wealth</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> and forbidden knowledge thought to have been lost forever when </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> the Knights Templar were exterminated in the fourteenth century.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> Nelle is armed with vital clues to a series of centuries-old puzzles</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> scattered across Europe, but also in pursuit of the historic prize is a</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> shadowy zealot with an army of assassins at his command. At the</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> end of the trail lies a discovery that could rock the civilized world-</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> and, in the wrong hands, bring it to its knees."</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Interesting...I'm really eager to finish this book now, so I can see if the rest of the story is as original as it sounds.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">But while I'm on the subject, I got thinking about what Seth Rogan's character says in <em>Knocked Up</em>, about two similar kinds of movies that come out around the same time, and one always seems to do better than the other. Here are some dynamic duos I thought of that bear eery similarities:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">A Bug's Life / Antz</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">A hard-working ant drone tries to protect his beloved colony from danger.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">Armaggedon / Deep Impact</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">An enormous asteroid threatens to collide with earth and cause lots of death & pain and stuff.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">Finding Nemo / Shark Tale</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Colourful fish characters befriend vegetarian sharks.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">Troy / King Arthur</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The epic battles of a historical war shown in vivid, gory detail...just, you know, with hunks.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">Madagascar / The Wild</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">A lion and some other exotic animals escape from the Central Park zoo in order to find their way back home to Africa.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">The Prestige / The Illusionist</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Feuding magicians struggle to keep their secrets from being revealed.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">Inkheart / Nim's Island / The Spiderwick Chronicles / Bridge to Terabithia</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">A beloved children's fantasy adapted into a movie that nobody has any interest in seeing, because it blows.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">Small Soldiers / Transformers</span></em><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Okay, so they didn't come out at the same time. There were years between them. But still, exact same plot: a teenage guy buys a machine, only to quickly discover that the machine has a robotic mind of its own. He learns that there are two different teams of machines: the colourful good guys, with peaceful personalities; and the militaristic bad guys, who are constantly trying to make war. Devoting all of his help to the good machines, the teenage guy teams up with the hot girl he has a crush on and battles against the evil machines until victory is achieved.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Hell, the dad in both movies is played by the same actor. Look it up.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Anyway, I've done enough ranting for one night. So remember, please don't make illegal copies of DVDs: those Hollywood mega-zillionaires really need the money.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"<em>Da Vinci Code</em> fans might experience a bit of deja vu, but <em>The Templar Legacy</em> is more thrilling."</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-<em>RedEye Chicago</em></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-59132000878986462042009-05-04T22:12:00.000-07:002009-05-04T22:21:12.051-07:00The Post That Almost Wasn't, But Then Was<span style="color:#ff0000;">Internet is BACK.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Now I can blog more like I promised you all. If the last few Hatch-related posts have seemed a little obscure, a little uninteresting, or just plain fucked up, I apologize sincerely. There was very little oxygen in that Hatch, and thinking kinda became a chore.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Actually, since I'm in a penitent mood, I have two other apologies to make.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Apology #1: In a previous post, I quoted from Lost and listed a character's name as Miles Faraday, when his name is actually supposed to be DANIEL Faraday. But, like I said, oxygen...</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Apology #2: Mark Wahlberg, I'm really, REALLY sorry I ran over your cat. Please don't do what you said you'd do with a cheese grater next time we meet. Bygones, okay?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">There. Now that my conscience is clear and my brain can breathe, things can continue here at STO like they always have: slowly, dully, and inexplicably plastered with bright red letters.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I'll see you all soon. Real soon.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"I'm the Cashman! I give you money for your gold!"</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">-Russel Oliver</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-80758588334851176942009-05-04T21:17:00.000-07:002009-05-04T21:30:46.754-07:00FREEDOM<span style="color:#ff0000;">It's finally happened.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">After 229 days of living in the subterranean Hatch with</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">1) little to no access to the outside world</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">2) zero access to most of my personal belongings</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">3) the inability to open or look out of a window</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">4) THAT FRIDGE!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">5) no bedroom. No bed, for that matter</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">6) no Internet connection</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">7) shitty phone reception</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">8) no microwave or dishwasher</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">9) three Asian children running and stomping like crazed wildebeests on the floor above me</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">10) that Fridge again, and</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">11) the clinically-psychotic drivers of Thorn Hill, who should all be locked away and given a year's worth of anger management before ever being allowed behind the wheel of a vehicle again,</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I have finally moved back to B-Town! Close to friends, familiar territory, a dishwasher, a bed, a quiet fridge, Internet access, and drivers who weren't trained by Nazi combat tacticians.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Hallelujah! I am glad to be back. So until next time, there's only one thing left to say:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Day One out of the Hatch...</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Stay tuned.</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-74011941772002118812009-03-25T15:06:00.001-07:002009-03-25T15:06:59.929-07:00<span style="color:#ff0000;">Day 191 in the Hatch.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Help.</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-16044773331374213092008-12-15T14:59:00.000-08:002008-12-15T15:08:08.231-08:00<span style="color:#ff0000;">Day 91 in The Hatch.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Several new books have arrived through the secret tube-post I've managed to set up within the walls, after I dug my way through some stucco for two weeks with nothing but the handle of a salad fork. Now I keep myself busy reading book after book on Greek mythology and Narnian magic and Stonehenge. The light from the oil lamp is far too dim to read by, but the main lights have chemicals in the bulbs that make me dizzy after they've been on for more than 5 minutes.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though; a bleak promise of hope and redemption ahead. In the meantime, I'll just have to continue pushing the button and scratching the days off on the wall until the time comes. Luckily, I managed to get a hold of one of those chocolate-a-day Christmas calendars, so the act of counting down days comes with a yummy (if not waxy) little treat.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">THAT FRIDGE.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The noise it makes grows exponentially with each passing week. It's a good thing credit is finally coming in where credit is due, thanks to the good people at the Hanso-Mittelwerk-Vincent corporation. With it I can acquire new ammunition for my headphones, and thus block out the noises the fridge makes. Merciful Poseidon, PLEASE kill that fridge.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Actually, wait a little while before you kill it. there's still some eggnog left inside.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Free Tibet.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"Half the stuff he says goes way over my head, the other half goes way, WAY over."</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> -Frank Lapidus, discussing Dr. Miles Faraday</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-75429615736980061422008-10-23T14:32:00.000-07:002008-10-23T14:40:58.297-07:00The Fridge and how I HATE It With The White-Hot Fury of a Thousand Suns<span style="color:#ff0000;">Day 38 in the Hatch.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Today there was some actual sunlight streaming in through the "windows". I miss sunlight. Of course, it was not enough to read by, so i had to turn the electric lights on anyway. The Chinese people upstairs continued to slam and crash, and one of them even thre something down at my front door that sounded suspiciously time a time bomb. I've yet to check it out.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">But yeah, reading. That's how I spent the past few days. reading old issues of "Cable & Deadpool" until my eyes went wonky. But God bless that man Deadpool. Cable's alright in small doses, but I can never get enough of that lovable, scarred ninja/mercenary.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Life would be simple in the Hatch except for...</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">THE FRIDGE.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Oh, in the name of all that is sacred, by the Christian and Jewish and Muslim and Hindu and Buddhist and Islamic and Scientologic gods, how I HATE THAT FUCKING FRIDGE.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The Fridge...</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">It haunts my dreams, I tell ya. It's enough to drive a lesser man insane. And I AM a lesser man! I mean, sure, it keeps stuff cold likel tis supposed to...<em>but the freezer doesn't work!</em></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What the shit is that? So, the thing is louder than all holy hell, but it can't even make ice cubes? That gods-forsaken thing makes more noise than a malfunctioning, 18-wheeled air brake dump drike driving through a nitrogycerine plant on the 4th of July...but I can't buy ice cream if I want to!!!!!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I hate it. the fridge must die. The fridge WILL die. Yes. Yes!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Somebody save me. By anstonishing coincidence, that is the start of the theme song to "Smallville".</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Lois Lane, I love you.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">But I HATE that fucking fridge.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Help.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"When people think they're alone, that's when you see them for what they really are: selfish, deceitful...and gassy."</span><br /> <span style="color:#ff0000;">-Claude, the Invisible Man</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-7243716274228135312008-10-14T16:50:00.001-07:002008-10-14T16:54:45.304-07:004*8*15*16*23*42<span style="color:#ff0000;">....................................................</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">/////////////////////////////////1001010001010100101001111110100100110110111110</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">4-8-15-16-23-42</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I've been living in the Hatch for 29 days now.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">No cell phone signal.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">No Internet access.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">No windows. You heard that right, no windows. the only natural lighting I get is from my body's own healthy, nuclear glow.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I've had very little chances to contact the outside world. I've being watched very closely. I haven't been allowed to leave yet, and they certainly don't want me contacting anyone on the outside. If they found out I was posting this...well, they'd better not.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The only thing that can save me now is money. lots and lots of money. If you have any, PLEASE send it to me. any cash amount over one dollar would be appreciated. If you're just gonna send pennies, you're a cheap jerk.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">SAVE ME.</span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-8459499099816060312008-08-20T20:27:00.000-07:002008-08-20T21:43:01.635-07:00The Microsoft Xbox<span style="color:#ff0000;">Finally! It was hard work, but I managed to come up with an Xbox Top 10 list that I can be proud of. I looked over the game list for that console and I realized, there really weren't that many good games for it! In a way, that's a good thing: less games to spend my money on! There were some amazing games that couldn't make the list, but here's the Top fucking 10.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>10 THE SIMPSONS HIT & RUN</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">After the forgettable Road Rage & (shudder) Simpsons Skateboarding, I think they started to realize that Simpsons games have sucked since the NES. Fortunately, they've corrected that mistake. The Simpsons Hit & Run is what Road Rage should have been: huge levels, tons of unique vehicles, the ability to get out of your car, and a bunch of zany, fast-paced missions. Think of it as a GTA game, but with Homer saying, "Careful, don't sit on my nachos!" and other stuff like that. Brilliant game.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>9 X-MEN LEGENDS</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">When this came out, I was like, "Whaaaaa!?" A superhero RPG had been unheard of at the time! (At least, by me). I quickly scooped it up and realized that it ruled! You got to play as so many different X-Men it was crazy. You also got to control a new X-Man, Magma, with some kickass fire-powers. There were boss battles with a ton of cool X-Men villains, and a bunch of mutant power upgrades to help you out. My only beef with the game is that at times, it was a little TOO difficult. The amount of enemies they throw at you is just insane, and some of them don't die unless you have a certain character out. Definitely a challenge for any Marvel fan.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>8 FABLE</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">When Xbox Magazine started hyping up this game, I was excited as hell. I thought this would be the next Zelda, for sure. Of cuorse, I was so fucking wrong. But, that doesn't mean Fable wasn't loads of fun. Sure, it was pretty much a stock action/fantasy, but it was amazing for a stock action/fantasy. You've got a very big world to explore, lots of weapons and magical powers to choose from, and an interesting branching storyline with multiple endings. If this game wasn't so short, it would probably be even better. Fable 2 looks promising, though.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>7 SPIDER-MAN 2</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">For a game based off a movie, this game totally kicked ass. And such an improvement from the first movie game! (Whoever designed that first movie game, Spidey web-swings on rooftops. Roof-tops. Why did you have like 40 fucking INDOOR levels? Retards.) With a totally free-roaming gameplay style, you could guide the friendly neighbourhood Tobey Maguire through the skyscrapers of New York (outside of them, not IN them. Retards). There was so much to do, too! You stopped purse snatches, bank robberies, gang wars. You saved injured civilians & people in peril. You fought supervillains & teamed up with Black Cat. There were extra missions, too, like taking Daily Bugle pictures and delivering pizzas for Mr. Aziz (the pizzas were delivered to OUTDOOR locations. Retards). Swinging was awesome, fighting was awesome, and the recreated New York was fantastic. Play it, dawg.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#6<strong> GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Face it: GTA III brought that piss-poor series back on the map with a non-overhead, sprawling 3-D game environment that just oozed badass attitude. It was big, it was violent, it was too good to be true. And Vice City, it's sequel, was twice that. The fact that it took place in the 80s is half the reason it's on this list. All the allusions to Miami Vice & Scarface were so cool. Having the ability to buy your own profitable companies (like the Cab Depot, the Ice Cream Factory, the Paper Mill, etc.) was so much fun, something no other GTA game has done before or since. The 80s soundtrack was sweet (Journey and Mr. Mister, I'm looking in your direction!) and the voice acting was done by some big-name stars. This game was overall greatness.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>5 LEGO STAR WARS II: THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This is honestly one of the most fun games I have ever played in my life. The first was equally as good, it's just that this one had a bit more to it, so it made the list instead. Every Star Wars character you can think of, LEGO-fied and made all cute and cuddly, then thrown into the action. I think this is actually the first Star Wars game that lets you play through the action scenes of the MOVIES, as opposed to all the others that just make shit up. I just wish they hadn't made the bundle for the 360 (which included both 1 & 2, as well as a bunch of extras). Those money-grubbing bastards.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>4 ODDWORLD: MUNCH'S ODDYSEE</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I think this was one of the very, very first games to ever come out on the original Xbox. I rented it once, and I re-rented it a bunch more times because of how fucking addicting it is! Eventually I bought it used; I hate used games, but I couldn't find it new and I had to have it. It's only 1 player, but you play as two characters named Abe and Munch. Your goal is to save your planet Oddworld from a shitload of evil industrial guys. Abe could possess enemies, and then you can control them and make the enemies fight amongst themselves. Genius. This is also probably the funniest video game ever made. The voices are so bizarre and the lines they spew are so childish and immature that it's hilarious. One whole sub-plot of the game involves possessing rich people and making them give away all their money. Oddworld rocks. The sequel, Stranger's Wrath, is just as awesome, but it just missed making this list.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>3 STAR WARS: OBI-WAN</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Very few people have played this game, and most haven't even heard of it. But this was THE reason I bought an Xbox in the first place. You play as a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the game takes place two months before (and then eventually, during) the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. What was great about this game were the conrols: you had a lightsaber. But it wasn't controlled by the lame little X button or by (groan) the gay-ass triggers. No, the saber was controlled entirely by the right thumbstick. So if you rotated the thumbstick in a circle, Obi-Wan would swing in a circle. As a result, the controls were so freaking smooth it was like an orgasm. You could pull off kickass moves and totally look good doing them. The game was just the right length and difficulty, too. Obi-Wan, you are my hero.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>2 GRAND THEFT AUTO: SAN ANDREAS</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">When I finally got the chance to play San Andreas, I was blown away by just about everything in it. Most of all, I'm still blown away by the fact that it's way better than the game that came AFTER it, Grand Theft Auto IV! The voice acting was performed by stellar, well-known actors (in GTA IV they were good, but they were no-names). The characters were deep, rich and very well-developed. The amount of different cars, missions and locations was immense. There was so much cool shit to do. You could work out, you could buy a bunch of different clothes, then mix and match wardrobes (a feature those bastards took away in GTA IV for some dumb reason), you could have girlfriends, you could fly jet planes and parachute out of them (again, not in GTA IV), you could go to drving/flying/boating school (not in GTA IV!), you could go to rural places like farms, fields, lakes and deserts (not in GTA IV!), you could ride BMX bikes (not in GTA IV!), you interact with a bunch of characters from the previous two games in the series (not in GTA IV!), you could customize any car you want in any way you want (not in GTA IV!), you could buy a crapload of different safehouses all across the map (not in GTA IV!), the text was big enough so that you could actually read it (not in GTA IV!), and best of all, the missions were exciting, with a variety of different objectives (not in GTA IV!). Rockstar had it right with San Andreas. Please, please make the next game like this one!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>1 STAR WARS: KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This is the third Star Wars game on this list. The onl reason I think it kicks more ass than Obi-Wan & San Andreas is because this game is a mega-huge RPG with an amazing twist storyline, the ability to play as a man or woman, the ability to be either good or evil, a team of really cool characters who join your party, fun quests & missions, awesome upgrades, weapons and Force powers, and...lightsabers. Lots & lots of lightsabers. You have to wait a long time to get one, beacuse when you start off, you're not a Jedi. When you reach the third location in the game, you finally do your Jedi training, but you don't actually get a saber until you kill some schmuck out in the fields who happens to be carrying one. Then, it's all good. You can upgrade your saber's power, colour and even carry two at once. It was a really big toss-up between this and San Andreas for #1, but in the end, I went with Star Wars. This game was epic, it was fun, it was very challenging, and it had a sweet sequel to boot. Bring on number 3!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Next time on Strawberry Toaster Oven: I will attempt the probably impossible. Taking into consideration these lists I've been making regarding games, I'm gonna make a Top 10 list of (wait for it) my all-time favourite video agmes, EVER. Period. Exciting? For me, hell yes. For you, probably not, but if I cared, I wouldn't be writing this (or would I?).</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">So stay tuned, kiddies, for the final Top 10 video game list.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">if you read this far, you have no life...but I respect that.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">;)</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"I don't want to be considered as a Jedi anymore. Just think of me as any other regular member of the team. With a lightsaber. And Force powers."</span><br /> <span style="color:#ff0000;">-</span><span style="color:#ff0000;">Jolee Bindo, Knights of the Old Republic</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6620381647508640013.post-830976208150205952008-08-13T19:42:00.000-07:002008-08-13T20:40:51.774-07:00Nintendo 64<span style="color:#ff0000;">Since I started this crazy video game theme, I'll continue it with two more, much more recent systems. The first will be the ever-lovin' Nintendo 64, in all it's 64-bit, 3-D glory. If you didn't have an N64, you were nuthin, and your friends had the right to hit you on a daily basis.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I won't delay any longer, though. Here are my Top 10 favourite Nintendo 64 games ever.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>10 STAR WARS: SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">There have been a buttload of great Star Wars games since this one, but I'll be damned if I can think of any good ones that came BEFORE it. Shadows was amazing: you played as an expanded universe character named Dash Rendar (basically Han Solo but with more facial hair), who shot and jumped his way through a bunch of kickass parts of the galaxy. With Dash, you got to fight in the Battle of Hoth, ride swoop bikes through the canyons of Tatooine, take on both Boba Fett AND IG-88, and save Princess Leia from some crime lord with green skin. All in all, a terrific gaming experience that paved the way for tons more Star Wars masterpieces to come.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>9 TOY STORY 2</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This was probably one of the best Disney video games ever made. For the first time ever, you got to control a fully-equipped, 3-D Buzz Lightyear. You got to shoot your lasers, and wear rocket boots and glow in the dark and say "To Infinity & Beyond" a lot. The whole cast of Toy Story was there too, helping you out by giving you power-ups and other useful stuff. The point of the game was to collect a bunch of Pizza Planet tokens so you could unlock more levels and eventually save Woody from that old prospector who was voiced by Frasier Crane. Just seeing that wacky cartoon spaceman in action, shooting lasers and sliding down electrical wires, makes you realize that Andy had it right: Buzz Lightyear is the coolest toy in the world.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>8 MARIO PARTY</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">There were about two million Mario Party games, and I'm sure they were all great. but the first one is the only one I've played, and it still holds up today! What makes this game so great? Well, it's like a combination of everything. It's an interactive board game with collectible items, booby-traps, obstacles, constantly-shifting objectives, and a shitload of mini-games in between. To top it off, it's all done in that wonderful, charming Mario style. Personally, I liked playing as Luigi. I'm still really anxious to try out Mario Party 2-8. Or is it 2-9. Who knows anymore?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>7 WCW vs. NWO: WORLD TOUR</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">To be honest, I was never a wrestling fan growing up. I had a collector's cup with Hulk Hogan on it, but that's about it. But this game is just so damn fun that I didn't have to know all of the Undertaker's nicknames and personality traits in order to enjoy it. You could choose from about thirty or forty different wrestlers, all with their own unique moves, and then take the fight to the ring to see how well you do. There's even an option to turn blood on or off. The most fun was just playing a 4-person battle royale and slugging the shit out of each other. Pull a guy out of the ring, then grab a folding chair and whack him in the face so his nose gushes blood like a faucet. Woooooo!</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>6 SUPER MARIO 64</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I know, people are probably upset that such a kickass game is only Number 6 on my list. But please, let me explain. Mario 64 was beyond awesome, it's just that I spent way more hours enjoying the other games than I did this one. Super Mario 64 is a completely enjoyable experience, though, and if you haven't played it, you are NOT a Mario fan. It boasted a ton of levels, zillions of things to do and collect, and so many Power Stars it'll make your head swim. Plus, you got to challenge Bowser not one, not two, but THREE different times! And each time, he got tougher and tougher. You didn't have to beat around the bush with any of this Koopa Kid bullshit: you just went straight for Bowser. Super Mario 64 made Mario even more amazing than he already was.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>5 THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: MAJORA'S MASK</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">A sequel to one of the best games ever made, MM had some big shoes to fill. Despite that, it did very well for itself. Even though it's probably one of the shortest Zelda games to date, it was so fun you wouldn't even notice. Besides, the way Zelda games are, there's so much to do, see, and collect, that it feels much longer than it really is. What was cool was that they brought back the aspect of time travel, but gave it a new twist: you have 3 days to stop a moon from colliding with the earth, but in order to save everyone, you've gotta keep going back in time and reliving those same 3 days over and over, making subtle changes here and there, until the bad guys are stopped and the moon is destroyed. It's like that movie Groundhog Day...just, you know, with monsters.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>4 DONKEY KONG 64</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">This game came out after Super Mario 64, so it ended up being much more fun thatn the Mario title (although Mario was lots of fun already, so you can only imagine). DK64 let you play as five different Kongs: Donkey, Tiny, Chunky, Lanky and (the coolest of all) Diddy. But it had some insane gameplay. You start off just with DK himself, and as you progress through the game you save your friends, one by one. Then, you've gotta go back and replay all the levels with your new Kong buddies, because each level has areas that only individual Kongs can enter! This game was made perfectly, and it was HUGE, so good luck beating it.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>3 PAPER MARIO</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Wow, Mario's got three titles in this Top 10 list so far. But I guess that's just because he's so badass. I never had an SNES as a kid, so I never got to play Super Mario RPG. But that's okay, because if you ask me, Paper Mario is a million times more fun! Despite the fact that it was a mega-fun RPG with a bunch of different playable characters, Paper Mario had a look that was beautiful and unique: completely flat, 2-D characters moving against 3-D backgrounds and environments. In other words, a Barbie Dollhouse with cut-out paper dolls in it. It's worth checking this game out just for it's sweet look, but the fun factor will suck you right in.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>2 GOLDENEYE 007</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Since I'm an only child, I did most of my gaming by myself. But when I got together with the cousins, it was a different story. And then, they got this game: Goldeneye 007. I remember thinking, "Hmm. A James Bond game. that's kinda weird. But, let's give it a shot." And I am glad I did. This is probably the only first-person shooter that I actually really enjoy. In story mode, you can take Bond through a bunch of long and intensely exciting levels, shooting random Russian drones and completing your secret agent objectives. But the real fun was in the multiplayer. Two to four players in an arena (the Stack was my favourite) trying to blow one another's brains out with a bunch of assorted, unique weapons. To amp up the excitement, we would always set it on One-Hit kills: if you got shot in the toe, you were a goner. I have no multiplayer gaming memories fonder than the golden days of Goldeneye. Cheers, Mr. Bond.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">#<strong>1 THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Not only is this my absolute favourite Nintendo 64 title, but it's probably one of my favourite video games ever. Period. Here's an example of how much I love it. Think of your favourite action/adventure or RPG game, one of those huge games with swords and magic and all that jazz. Now, think of how many times you've played that game from start to finish. You might love it, but you can only play a game that long so many times, right?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I've played Zelda: OOT, from beginning to end, at least twelve times already, and it never, ever gets old. In fact, I want to play it right now, just thinking about it. There's no way I could do this game any justice just by writing a dinky little paragraph about it on this blog. All I can say is that this is a game that will keep you up until 4 in the morning. This game will have you addicted like a junkie on crack. You keep promising yourself: "I'll turn it off once I find this one last item" or, "As soon as I kill one more spider. Okay, THREE more spiders." I can't think of one bad thing about this game. Please, just do yourself a favour and play it. You won't be able to die happy until you do.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"........................................."</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"> -Link</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span>The Question Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12900131704617088181noreply@blogger.com0