THE HEAT INDEX: November 2011

Songs about shoes, Italian Stallions, Nazi stormtroopers, and seven other things that make November a sexy, sexy month.

ASSASSIN'S CREED: REVELATIONS
One of the most addictive series of games ever made, period. The final installment of Ezio Auditore's adventures through Renaissance Europe come to a close. The ending is supposed to be orgasmic. Cannot wait to see what happens next!

A&W GRANDMA BURGER
The Burger Family has a new member! Apparently, Grampa's been holding out on us; his wife Grandma just got thrown into the fray with a prime rib burger. The verdict? One yummy senior citizen.

ELDEST
The book may be about six years old now, but it's still friggin good fantasy considering it was written by a teenager! The last installment of the Inheritance Cycle is supposed to come out later this month, so we here at STU are getting caught up on what's been happening in Alagaesia to prep for the final exam!

FOSTER THE PEOPLE
This indie-pop band straight outta Los Angeles has a unique, funky sound that we can't get enough of! If "Pumped Up Kicks" doesn't make you smile, you're weird.

THE NEW DCU
The DC Comics Universe rebooted itself a couple of months ago, but its stories are really gearing into full heat now. We recommend Justice League, Batman and anything involving a Green Lantern character.

ONCE UPON A TIME
Since LOST left the airways, it left quite the sizeable gap in our hearts. but that gap just may be filled by Eddie Kitsis & Adam Horowitz's new kick-ass fairy tale drama project, Once Upon A Time. With a very creative story, extremely cool characters, and visual effects a little too good for TV, this new fall show may very well deliver the happy ending we've been craving!

SHAZAM
We love apps that do cool things. We love FREE apps even more. So when we got the chance to identify songs just by holding our phones up to the radio and we didn't have to pay a penny for it, it was a match made in musical heaven.

THE SOUND OF MUSIC
Being back in a play after having performed it 10 years ago was surreal to say the least! But not only did the play go well, we got a standing ovation, a visit from the mayor, and an ajudication that rocked the house. I'm sure it was all because of that one sexy fellow who played the butler, though... ;)

THE VILLAGE
This hidden gem in downtown Brampton popped up on our radar when we were looking for a quick bite at 7am. Serving all-day breakfast at insanely good prices (you can get two fried eggs, two sausages, a coffee, plenty of toast, and the hash brown you've ever tasted for only 6 bucks!), this little slice of awesome is now on our favourites list.

ZELDA: SKYWARD SWORD
The game isn't out yet but the excitement keeps mounting! Unlike the Call of Duty or Assassin's Creed series, Zelda games take a along time...but it's worth the wait! The newest addition, six years on the heels of its predecessor, is supposed to knock all of the previous games out of the water, and deliver an 80+ hour quest that takes Link to the sky and beyond. Pass the bomb flowers, please.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: Epic Failure

Wherever he is, I need to find director Peter Jackson and give him a big hug: he seems to be the only living human being in Hollwyood who knows how to properly adapt a novel into a screenplay.
The "Harry Potter" flicks are great, though they have some fuzzy moments where they really make you wish you were reading the books instead. The "Lovely Bones" movie was enjoyable but unforgiveably left out too many important details. The "Golden Compass" movie bored the shit out of everyone and was completely abandoned. The "Eragon" movie was so poorly-executed that all of the people involved like to conveniently leave it off of their resumes.
And then there's the film adaptation of "Percy Jackson & the Olympians".
Let's play a game. It's called What The Fuck. Every time the Percy Jackson movie deviates from the book in a way so ridiculous that it has no justification, we say "What The Fuck". Ready? K, here goes:
BOOK: The Greek gods are featured a lot, especially Dionysus, Ares, Hades, and Poseidon. The Olympians are central to the entire series, and play key points in the first book. The book is essentially about them warring with each other.
FILM: The Greek gods argue a bit, but otherwise are barely seen. Hades' entire subplot disappears, and instead he's reduced to something much smaller and less significant. Dionysus and Ares (who is one of the main antagonists) are never even mentioned by name.
What the Fuck.
BOOK: Percy deals with a minotaur, the medusa, a chimera, clockwork spiders, enchanted Lotus flowers, Charon the boatman, Cerberus, and a host of other creatures from Greek myth. He is given pearls by a water nymph during his quest to retrieve the lightning bolt.
FILM: Percy deals with a minotaur, the medusa, enchanted Lotus flowers, and a hydra. They are guarding the pearls for some reason. They've been dumbed down.
What The Fuck.
BOOK: Percy's mother's soul gets trapped in the Underworld, and throughout the whole story he's debating about how to free her. When he finally reaches Hades, he makes the hero's decision to not be selfish, and chooses to save the world instead. He, Grover, and Annabeth escape the underworld and continue their quest.
FILM: Percy's mother's soul gets trapped in the Underworld. When he reaches Hades, he frees her without hesitating. but since only three of them can escape, he leaves with his mother and Annabeth. Grover stays behind and has sex with Hades' wife for some reason.
What The Fuck.
BOOK: There are 3 villains. Luke, who is a camper and friend of Percy's, working with the Titan Lord to wreak havoc against the gods. He steals the lightning bolt as part of the Titan's master plan. He remains a main villain throughout all 5 books; Kronos, the Titan Lord, who is struggling to be free of his prison and kill the gods. He uses Luke as his puppet to carry out his schemes. He remains a main villain throughout all 5 books; and Ares, god of war. He steals the bolt from Luke and tries to use it to start a war on Olympus, simply because he's a war-monger and loves bloodshed.
FILM: There is one villain: Luke. He steals the lightning bolt because he doesn't like the gods and he's a pissy emo kid. Percy kills him, thereby nulling his character progression throughout the remaining four chapters of the saga. Kronos and Ares are apparently nonexistent.
What The Fuck.
I could seriously do this all day. Long story short, this is THE worst adaptation I've ever seen of anything, ever. Period. It's like, you know how people say "Oh, the book is always better than the movie"? Well, it's like whoever wrote this movie was trying to prove those people right. Like, they had a bet going on with somebody who disagreed with that statement, and they said, "Oh yeah? Watch this. Books ARE better, and I'm gonna prove it. Bam! Here's the Percy Jackson screenplay!" What a shitload of ass.
This movie rates a 14% for me. May Zeus strike it down.

;)

"Cop Out": This is Madness!

I went to go see "Cop Out" with only a little expectation. All I knew was that it was a cop/buddy movie directed by Kevin Smith. And if Smitty had his hands on it, then right on. I enjoy his stuff a lot. But what I didn't realize until AFTER the end credits rolled was that Smith only directed the film; he didn't write it.
Instead of Smith's trademark witty/funny/oh-so-true dialogue, we just got some average comedic banter between the two main characters, who were pretty funny, for the most part. Attached to the movie were two folks I love: Rashida Jones (I would SO do her) and Kevin Smith (ditto); aside from that, the movie was completely mediocre to me. It wasn't bad by any means, but nor was it outstanding or different. It was a by-the-numbers cop comedy with a teeny, TINY bit of Smith's trademark brand of humor mixed in for good measure (including a small appearance by one of his regular actors, Jason Lee).
Other than that, there really wasn't much to it. I think the most I could give "Cop Out" is a 53%. But that's all only relative, of course.
By the way, I don't know who the Mexican lady was in it, but she was adorable!

;)

"The Lightning Thief": It's All Greek, baby!

"The Lightning Thief" is the first book in the Percy Jackson series, and it was quite good.
I'll start off with the elephant in the room: YES, there are many similarities to Harry Potter. Percy is a young boy of 12 years who never quite fit in in the real world and suddenly finds out he's one of many demigods roaming the earth, so he is sent to a camp in the countryside where demigods are trained to become heroes. Ditto Harry, only with wizards. The demigods are a secret society, constantly trying to keep their kind a secret from the mortals. Ditto Harry, only with Muggles. The demigods are sorted into 12 different cabins at their camp, depending on which Greek god they were sired by. Ditto Harry, only with a talking hat. Percy discovers that he is very powerful, and along with his two best friends Grover & Annabeth, gets into a mishmash of adventures on his way to defeating the evil titan lord Kronos, whose name people are somewhat afraid to speak aloud. Ditto Harry, only with Ron, Hermione, and Voldemort.
But you know what? Who cares?
I loved the Harry Potter books, and if Percy Jackson is gonna be similar, then right on! If you're gonna have a lot in common with another series, it may as well be the best fuckin' book series of all time!
I really enjoyed this book. The best part about it for me was seeing how many creative ways the author Rick Riordan introduced a character or creature from Greek mythology, but presented it to us in a modern way. For example, Ares (god of war to all you PS2 fans out there) is portrayed as a buff, Hulk Hogan-like man with red-tinted sunglasses and a motorcycle with flames painted on it. Medusa (who would turn people to stone at a glance) is portrayed as a woman in a turban who owns a stone lawn ornament emporium. It's clever stuff, and Riordan pulls it off pretty well. The story itself is very well-thought-out, and even though it's a tad on the juvenile side (it REALLY appeals to the Miley Cyrus crowd) it still doesn't fail to deliver.
Oh, and Grover the satyr is pretty damn funny, too.
"The Lightning Thief" gets an 80%. Can't wait for Book 2!

;)

"Bad Twin": A LOST Cause

In the television show LOST, there is a character who was on board Oceanic Flight 815 by the name of Gary Troup. He's the guy we see in the pilot who gets sucked into the jet engine when Locke distracts him. Later, in Season 2, we see Sawyer reading a book manuscript, saying that the author was on the plane and had the manuscript in his luggage. That book was "Bad Twin", which was actually written (in real life) as a tie-in to the show, and distributed by ABC Studios and Bad Robot.
Unfortunately, it's lame-sauce.
"Bad Twin" is about some private detectvie named Paul Artisan, who lvies in New York and doesn't know what to do with his life. Then he gets a visit from some rich bastard named Clifford Widmore, who asks Paul to find his missing mirror-twin brother, Zander. The rest of it is just by-the-numbers detective mystery, and not even the good kind.
Aside from a main character having the surname "Widmore", a passing mention of Mr. Cluck's Chicken Shack, and the blurb at the back of the book mentioning Gary Troup's disappearance on Oceanic 815, there's very little in the story to tie into the canon of LOST. Judging by everything the book says about Troup himself, he's rumored to have had a romance with Cindy Chandler, the flight attendant from LOST who gets kidnapped by the Others (she even appears as a character in the book). But judging by the way she was flirting with Jack Shephard in the pilot, chances are that romance wouldn't have lasted anyway.
The book just drags on and on, with Paul questioning odd people who keep turning up dead, and finally finding Zander in a somewhat anticlimactic (and bizarre) conclusion involving Zander's stepmom's jealous ex-husband...yeah, I know.
The worst part of the book is Paul's best friend, an old professor named Manny. Throughout the entire book, Manny constantly irritates Paul (and the reader) with fucking anecdotes about Dante and Shakespeare and The Iliad. Seriously, that's all the guy ever talks about. At one point, Paul calls him to see how he's doing, and Manny responds with, "Oh, not bad. I was just sitting at home, thinking about King Lear. Did you know that..." WHAT? Who the fuck just sits at home ruminating about characters from 400-year-old plays? And then he goes on to explain the most obvious goddamn things, and you can't help but groan. "Hey Paul, isn't it funny how you're looking for the left-handed twin, which is called sinister in Latin, which is funny because he's supposed to be the bad twin?" Oh, my God, shut the hell up!
All in all, it was a totally unremarkable book, completely blase' in every way, and if it weren't for the LOST tie-in, I'm sure nobody would even look twice at it. It's really too bad that a show as good as LOST has so little in the way of good merchandise. This book is lame. The board game is lame. The video game sucked to high hell. The action figures, while impressively detailed, can't pose well, and there's only a few of 'em. I demand decent LOST merch, damn it!
I give "Bad Twin" 48%, and I think I'm being generous with that one.

;)

"The Stand": It's The End of the World! (As we know it)

Stephen King's "The Stand" was bloomin' brilliant, and I say that without a hint of British or Australian in my ethnicity!
Basically, if you like LOST, you'll like "The Stand", because the LOST writers have admitted that this book is pretty much their #1 insipration when they're writing the show. And it certainly shows, especially with how Season 6 is shaping out!
"The Stand" is about a virus created by the military called Captain Trips. One night, some idiot accidentally sets the virus loose (it's not really clear how), and all of a sudden it's spreading like wildifre throughout the entire United States, killing millions upon millions of people. The book focuses on an ensemble group of characters, about 15-20 of 'em, who are part of the small percentage of humans immune to Captain Trips. For a while, we watch these folks try to figure out what to do in a world suddenly devoid of other people (not to mention no electricity).

Then it starts getting supernatural. Some people in the group dream about an old woman named Mother Abigail, who beckons them to her farm in Nebraska. Others dream of a man dressed in black, a sinister, demonic man named Randall Flagg, who beckons them to his lair in Las Vegas. By the end of the book, both Abigail & Flagg have a veritable army of followers, with Abby's people being the kind-hearted heroes and Flagg's being the chaotic, wild anti-heroes/villains. A kind of war ensues between the two armies, & it's pretty damn cool. As always, the story caps off with King's trademark creepiness and not-quite-so-happy ending.
This book is a monster, clocking in at over 1100 pages, but well worth the read. I give it a solid 86%.

;)

"Role Models": Looking for McLovin in All the Wrong Places

I got around to watching the movie "Role Models". While it had some funny parts, I think it was the laziest comedy I've ever seen.
By lazy, I mean almost everything seemed to be recycled from previous comedy movies. I will always have a major man-crush on Paul Rudd, but he didn't do it for me in this movie. His character was flat & didn't really go through much change; it seemed kinda like a role they had orgiinally written for Ben Stiller, but he declined, so they gave it to Paul instead. Also, I really didn't give a shit about his relationship with Elizabeth Banks, cute as she may be. The story should've stuck to the relationships between the two grown-ups & their 'littles'. Still on the subject of recycling, Christopher Mintz-Plasse was very funny as McLovin, but it would've been nice to see the poor guy get a role that wasn't "the Nerd" again.
The character who was the most recycled was Sean William Scott's; in "American Pie", Scott plays a constantly-horny, partially-psychotic wacko whose heart is bigger than his brain, named Stiffler. In "Role Models", Scott plays a constantly-horny, partially-psychotic wacko whose heart is bigger than his brain, named Wheeler. Oooooooo! Progress! I'm surprised there weren't any characters ranting about wanting to bang "Wheeler's Mom".
The gem of this film, for me, was Bobb'e J. Thompson, who played Ronnie. He's gotta be one of the funniest kids I've ever seen in a movie (it's not often they get kids to swear on film, but Bobb'e just went off the charts!). And of course, the movie gains points for having the funniest woman alive in it: Jane Lynch, I love ya.
I liked the L.A.I.R.E. aspect, very funny. It was a good excuse for the writers to make things super-climactic, and at the same time, incredibly silly. I just wish the action & humor didn't have to die down just so we could get that LAME ending with Paul Rudd singing to his girlfriend.
All in all, I'd say Role Models scores a solid 54% on the Grading System That I Made Up Myself.

Oh, and if you liked Wheeler & are interested in seeing what else his character has been up to, check out "American Pie", "American Pie 2", and "American Pie 3: The Shove-Stifler-Down-Our-Throats Extravaganza in 3-D".

;)

"Paradise Lost": Angels n Demons n nudies, oh my!

"Paradise Lost" is an epic poem written by John Milton a million years ago, or at least, so it sounds. It was actually written sometime in the 1660s, I believe.
If you have ever been to a church or synagogue even once in your life, then chances are you know the plot of PL. Basically, it's about Satan. When God announces that He's gonna make a species of people called humans, and give them free will over their entire lives (as well as their own personal paradise on earth), Satan gets pissed. Green with envy, he starts a rebellion of angels, but gets his ass kicked and then is subsequently banished to hell. So he hatches an elaborate plot to mess with the humans. If you know the story of Adam & Eve, then you'll know that he succeeds, thus boning the human race forever.
Since everybody pretty much knows this story, there's not much in the book to shock or surprise. Even if M. Night Shyamalan had written this, he'd be hard pressed to find a way to add any kind of twist at all. But Milton told the story in a very cool way. I bet if this were a movie, the visuals would be fantastic. Since this book is actually one ginormous poem, I'd reccomend reading it out loud for maximum enjoyment.
"Paradise Lost" gets a 79% in my Good Books.

;)

"Avatar": Blue People F***ing

Because of its huge hype and apparently inevitable position at the top of the list of the most profitable movies ever, there's not much to say about Jimmy C's newest epic wonderfest that hasn't already been said somewhere else, by a more articulate speaker than me.
But opinion-wise, I enjoyed it lots & lots. The Sigourney Weaver/mech suit "Alien" callbacks were very cool. The Na'vi looked awesome. Quaritch was a great villain. Pandora was a well-imagined and admirably detailed world. The story was simple yet entertaining. This movie felt like it had already been a 20-year-old classic from the moment it was released.
Cameron says he has two sequels planned, so I'm really looking forward to "Avatars" and "Avatar3", and then, inevitably, some new director will take over and bring us "Avatar Ressurection", which will be poorly-received by audiences worldwide, placing the whole Avatar franchise into limbo until, 20 years later, somebody decides to revivie it by making "Avatar vs. Cloverfield". But that only makes things worse.
I grant upon Avatar all the love of Ewah, as well as an 86%.

;)

"The Third Policeman": It's NOT About A Bicycle

The Third Policeman is a book by Flann O'Connor, who is so obviously Irish it's not even funny.
The book, on the other hand, is VERY funny. It's more of an absurdist humor, though. In layman's terms, that means WACKY. i.e., if you have trouble understanding things that make very little sense (such as an infinite number of increasingly smaller treasure chests inside one another) then chances are you won't find this book very funny at all.
But I enjoyed the craziness of it all, and the twist at the end was "neat" as they said in the 1970s. The bicycles becoming human (and vice versa) was an astounding bit of creativity on the author's part. A lot of de Selby philosophy bogged it down a bit, though, and I'm still not 100% sure id the guy was real or not. If not, then O'Connor went to some great freaking lengths just to write down all of ideas and beliefs.
All in all, an enjoyable read. Short & sweet, but a bit lacking in palces for inexplicable reasons. I give it 73% on the Cycle-o-Meter.
;)

"Finding Lost, Season 5": The Penultimate Pleasure

Aside from finally being able to see my name in print, there were so many great aspects of this book that I just couldn't name them all. Basically, if you like the show and follow it religiously as I do, then you'll find a gold mine of information.
This is the fourth book in Nikki Stafford's "Finding Lost" series. The first book covered Seasons 1 and 2, the second book covered Season 3, and the third covered Season 4. They're just chock full of detailed info and interesting facts that'll make even the most die-hard fans raise their eyebrows in surprise. Can't wait for the last one!
I give this book 9 Compasses out of 10.

"Saw VI": It Never Ends

The "Saw" franchise is fucking mind-blasting, and it's remained one of the most consistent and entertaining movie franchises ever. There's only one problem: it never ends!
When the posters were first going up for "Saw VI", they said it would be the final film. I thought that was awesome, we'd get closure on the story and find out the fates of all the characters. But no, they lied. The studio wants more money, so "Saw VII" is already in the works. Okay, I thought. there are 7 Harry Potter movies, 7 a'int such a bad number. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! The studio wants even more money than that so, sorry, but "Saw VIII" is gonna have to be made too.
On the TV show "LOST", the writers' dreams came true when ABC told them they could end the show after the sixth season. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to write episodes knowing how the ending would pan out, and how long it would take to get them there. Well, the "Saw" films are almost as complex as "LOST"; why the fuck can't the producers be sensible and do the same damn thing? These movies would be so much more amazing if we would only know which one of them was gonna answer all our questions!
Anyway, "Saw VI" was great, way better than the last installment, which was arguably the series' weakest link. It contained a bunch of great twists, like any good "Saw" movie should, and ended with a very interesting and gory cliffhanger.
I want more! (But not another 9 more, okay, guys? Please don't turn this into "The Land Before Time". As great as these movies are, if I see a marquee for "Saw XXVIII", I'm gonna shoot somebody).
I give this movie 8 Rusty Reverse-Bear Traps out of 10.

"The Lovely Bones": Metaphorical Bones, You Sicko

Long story short, this book was a stunner!
Susie Salmon gets raped & murdered, then spends the entire book narrating on her observations from heaven, as she watches her family struggle through the turmoil of her death.
What a fascinating idea for a book; personally, I'm surprised someone didn't do this sooner! The author does a great job covering all the different aspects of loss (and coping with it) that the Salmons go through, as well as painting us a terrifying and creepy villain in George Harvey. But what she does best is write about some of the most mundane, routine aspects of human life, and never once does it seem boring or slow the pace of the book.
The scene where Jack teaches his son how to play Monopoly and tells him of his sister's death all at the same time is the stuff of tear-jerking awesomeness, as is the very end of the book. Since you see the story through Susie's eyes the entire time, a small part of you can't help but hope that her family will get to see her/say goodbye. But in the end, her death is as real as any death: the Salmons never see her again, but they learn to accept that, and life continues on. The end is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once.
I give this book 9 Lovely Bones out of 10.

"9": Ragdolls & General Confusion

When "Star wars" first premiered on Memorial Day, 1977, it thrust fans into an unfamiliar galaxy, filled with unfamiliar vehicles and creatures, and unfamiliar planets inhabited by unfamiliar characters, all set to the backdrop of an unfamiliar war. People LOVED it.
"9" thrusts us into an unfamiliar reality, on our own planet, with our own technology and science...and the movie made no fucking sense.
So, long story hort, some asshole creates a bunch of war machines, the machines get too smart and turn on the humans (a la "The Terminator"). That part I can grasp. So, because all of this happened, a mad scientist transfers his soul into nine individual ragdolls with unique personality traits. That part, not so much. Why the hell would he need to do that? The cells we see forming at the end happened because of rain. The ragdolls didn't create the rain! They just ran around, spewing their despressing "our lives are difficult" babble, getting killed off by whatever the hell that machine-thing was, and then the ghost disappear into heaven and, in a perfect example of pathetic fallacy, it starts raining.
Woo.
So, what was the point? Did the scientist have any reason to create those ragdolls, other than to prove that he could pull off such a procedure in the first place? No. Sure, the ragdolls destroyed the machine, but by pure fluke. The scientists couldn't possibly have expected them to actually do it. Why was the monster eating ragdolls? Was that explained? No.
And if all the dolls were just bits of the scientist's soul, then why was one of them a woman? And why did another one of them fall in love with her? How the hell could a soul fall in love with itself?
I don't know, this movie was too fucking weird. I walked out of the theatre and spent the next two days trying to figure out what the hell it was I just watched. The animation looked great, but story-wise, it had all the appeal of an old shoe. People who were expecting the next "Nightmare Before Christmas" were definitely disappointed by this one.
I give it 2 Buttons out of 10.

Happy Canada Day, America!

So yesterday was the first of July, making it Canada Day. I find it strange that Canada Day is only three days before the 4th of July, which is the day that America chooses to celebrate Canada Day (those Americans, always trying to be different!).
I have no idea how old Canada is turning this year, but judging by the state of the polar ice caps and the age of some rock formations I saw in northern Alberta, I'm gonna say...twenty-six million, give or take.
For those of you not familiar with our home and native land, here are a few fuin facts about Canada Day. You can use these facts to impress your friends and co-workers!

-pilgrims chose to name the country Canada because their first choice, Grenada, was already taken.
-Canada is nicknamed "the Great White North", and it received that nickname because it is always snowing, in every single part of the country. Forever.
- some of the things invented by Canadians: hockey, basketball, ice cream, beavers, long underwear, lumberjacks, modesty
-the capital city of Canada is called Toronto, and it has the world's biggest radio tower in it.
-the Emperor of Canada is a man named Tim Horton.
-our national colour is plaid.

There you have it, true believers! Hopefully, you won't forget about Canada Day like I did, and next year you can celebrate it with fireworks and alcohol, just like the Ojibwa tribes used to do it!
Now I leave you with the parting words coined by the Canadians in 1987: "Smell ya later!"

;)

"Canada is, like, the Texas of America."
-Robin Joseph Williams, clearly confused

BLOG!

I just realized that the word BLOG is extremely funny.

I mean, it reminds me of so many different things, the first being the word "log". and that could be interpreted either as a log in the woods, or another word for shit.
BLOG also sounds like the word "blob", which reminds me of the monster movie of the same name, as well as that Goosebumps book, "The Blob That Ate Everyone." There should be a follow-up called "The BLOG That Ate Everyone", but I think R.L. Stine quit writing. which is just as well, because his stuff was so juvenile and repetitive that it made the writing in "Coyote Ugly" seem clever.
So, whenever somebody says "I'm blogging", I picture one of two things: either a person sitting on the toilet, dropping logs while they type away on a laptop...or I picture a person turning into a revolting pile of jelly, swallowing everything in site and losing any capability of speaking, save for the word BLOG, which would make them some kind of Pokemon, I guess.
Another, more grotesuqe meaning for the word BLOG could be the term used to describe when two incredibly obese people have sex with one another. For example:

TOM: Hey, where are Dirk and Janice? You know, that really fat couple?
BILL: Oh, them? They're in the other room. They're blogging.
TOM: Eeeeeww...

And earlier:

DIRK: (to Janice) i want you to blog my brains out.

I think it works perfectly, even if it does put an unpleasant picture in your mind.
BLOG!

;)

Great Things Come in Twos

I started reading this novel called The Templar Legacy, by some guy named Steve Berry. Less than a chapter into it, I began experiencing severe deja vu...mainly because the book has the exact same plot as The Da Vinci Code! And it came out two years after it. Check it out, here is the jacket text of The Da Vinci Code:

"While in Paris on business, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon
receives an urgent late-night phone call...As Langdon and a gifted
French cryptologist, Sophie Neveu, sort through the bizarre riddles,
they are stunned to discover a trail of clues hidden in the works of
Da Vinci...In a frantic race through Paris and beyond, Langdon and
Neveu find themselves matching wits with a faceless powerbroker
who appears to anticipate their every move. Unless they can decpiher
the labyrinthine puzzle, the Priory's secret -and an explosive ancient
truth- will be lost forever."

Now, here is the jacket text of The Templar Legacy:

"Onetime U.S. operative Cotton Malone teams up with his former
supervisor, Stephanie Nelle, to find the legendary cache of wealth
and forbidden knowledge thought to have been lost forever when
the Knights Templar were exterminated in the fourteenth century.
Nelle is armed with vital clues to a series of centuries-old puzzles
scattered across Europe, but also in pursuit of the historic prize is a
shadowy zealot with an army of assassins at his command. At the
end of the trail lies a discovery that could rock the civilized world-
and, in the wrong hands, bring it to its knees."

Interesting...I'm really eager to finish this book now, so I can see if the rest of the story is as original as it sounds.
But while I'm on the subject, I got thinking about what Seth Rogan's character says in Knocked Up, about two similar kinds of movies that come out around the same time, and one always seems to do better than the other. Here are some dynamic duos I thought of that bear eery similarities:

A Bug's Life / Antz
A hard-working ant drone tries to protect his beloved colony from danger.

Armaggedon / Deep Impact
An enormous asteroid threatens to collide with earth and cause lots of death & pain and stuff.

Finding Nemo / Shark Tale
Colourful fish characters befriend vegetarian sharks.

Troy / King Arthur
The epic battles of a historical war shown in vivid, gory detail...just, you know, with hunks.

Madagascar / The Wild
A lion and some other exotic animals escape from the Central Park zoo in order to find their way back home to Africa.

The Prestige / The Illusionist
Feuding magicians struggle to keep their secrets from being revealed.

Inkheart / Nim's Island / The Spiderwick Chronicles / Bridge to Terabithia
A beloved children's fantasy adapted into a movie that nobody has any interest in seeing, because it blows.

Small Soldiers / Transformers
Okay, so they didn't come out at the same time. There were years between them. But still, exact same plot: a teenage guy buys a machine, only to quickly discover that the machine has a robotic mind of its own. He learns that there are two different teams of machines: the colourful good guys, with peaceful personalities; and the militaristic bad guys, who are constantly trying to make war. Devoting all of his help to the good machines, the teenage guy teams up with the hot girl he has a crush on and battles against the evil machines until victory is achieved.
Hell, the dad in both movies is played by the same actor. Look it up.

Anyway, I've done enough ranting for one night. So remember, please don't make illegal copies of DVDs: those Hollywood mega-zillionaires really need the money.
;)


"Da Vinci Code fans might experience a bit of deja vu, but The Templar Legacy is more thrilling."
-RedEye Chicago

The Post That Almost Wasn't, But Then Was

Internet is BACK.
Now I can blog more like I promised you all. If the last few Hatch-related posts have seemed a little obscure, a little uninteresting, or just plain fucked up, I apologize sincerely. There was very little oxygen in that Hatch, and thinking kinda became a chore.
Actually, since I'm in a penitent mood, I have two other apologies to make.

Apology #1: In a previous post, I quoted from Lost and listed a character's name as Miles Faraday, when his name is actually supposed to be DANIEL Faraday. But, like I said, oxygen...

Apology #2: Mark Wahlberg, I'm really, REALLY sorry I ran over your cat. Please don't do what you said you'd do with a cheese grater next time we meet. Bygones, okay?

There. Now that my conscience is clear and my brain can breathe, things can continue here at STO like they always have: slowly, dully, and inexplicably plastered with bright red letters.
I'll see you all soon. Real soon.

;)

"I'm the Cashman! I give you money for your gold!"
-Russel Oliver

FREEDOM

It's finally happened.

After 229 days of living in the subterranean Hatch with
1) little to no access to the outside world
2) zero access to most of my personal belongings
3) the inability to open or look out of a window
4) THAT FRIDGE!
5) no bedroom. No bed, for that matter
6) no Internet connection
7) shitty phone reception
8) no microwave or dishwasher
9) three Asian children running and stomping like crazed wildebeests on the floor above me
10) that Fridge again, and
11) the clinically-psychotic drivers of Thorn Hill, who should all be locked away and given a year's worth of anger management before ever being allowed behind the wheel of a vehicle again,
I have finally moved back to B-Town! Close to friends, familiar territory, a dishwasher, a bed, a quiet fridge, Internet access, and drivers who weren't trained by Nazi combat tacticians.
Hallelujah! I am glad to be back. So until next time, there's only one thing left to say:

Day One out of the Hatch...

Stay tuned.

Day 191 in the Hatch.


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