Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Microsoft Xbox

Finally! It was hard work, but I managed to come up with an Xbox Top 10 list that I can be proud of. I looked over the game list for that console and I realized, there really weren't that many good games for it! In a way, that's a good thing: less games to spend my money on! There were some amazing games that couldn't make the list, but here's the Top fucking 10.

After the forgettable Road Rage & (shudder) Simpsons Skateboarding, I think they started to realize that Simpsons games have sucked since the NES. Fortunately, they've corrected that mistake. The Simpsons Hit & Run is what Road Rage should have been: huge levels, tons of unique vehicles, the ability to get out of your car, and a bunch of zany, fast-paced missions. Think of it as a GTA game, but with Homer saying, "Careful, don't sit on my nachos!" and other stuff like that. Brilliant game.

When this came out, I was like, "Whaaaaa!?" A superhero RPG had been unheard of at the time! (At least, by me). I quickly scooped it up and realized that it ruled! You got to play as so many different X-Men it was crazy. You also got to control a new X-Man, Magma, with some kickass fire-powers. There were boss battles with a ton of cool X-Men villains, and a bunch of mutant power upgrades to help you out. My only beef with the game is that at times, it was a little TOO difficult. The amount of enemies they throw at you is just insane, and some of them don't die unless you have a certain character out. Definitely a challenge for any Marvel fan.

When Xbox Magazine started hyping up this game, I was excited as hell. I thought this would be the next Zelda, for sure. Of cuorse, I was so fucking wrong. But, that doesn't mean Fable wasn't loads of fun. Sure, it was pretty much a stock action/fantasy, but it was amazing for a stock action/fantasy. You've got a very big world to explore, lots of weapons and magical powers to choose from, and an interesting branching storyline with multiple endings. If this game wasn't so short, it would probably be even better. Fable 2 looks promising, though.

For a game based off a movie, this game totally kicked ass. And such an improvement from the first movie game! (Whoever designed that first movie game, Spidey web-swings on rooftops. Roof-tops. Why did you have like 40 fucking INDOOR levels? Retards.) With a totally free-roaming gameplay style, you could guide the friendly neighbourhood Tobey Maguire through the skyscrapers of New York (outside of them, not IN them. Retards). There was so much to do, too! You stopped purse snatches, bank robberies, gang wars. You saved injured civilians & people in peril. You fought supervillains & teamed up with Black Cat. There were extra missions, too, like taking Daily Bugle pictures and delivering pizzas for Mr. Aziz (the pizzas were delivered to OUTDOOR locations. Retards). Swinging was awesome, fighting was awesome, and the recreated New York was fantastic. Play it, dawg.

Face it: GTA III brought that piss-poor series back on the map with a non-overhead, sprawling 3-D game environment that just oozed badass attitude. It was big, it was violent, it was too good to be true. And Vice City, it's sequel, was twice that. The fact that it took place in the 80s is half the reason it's on this list. All the allusions to Miami Vice & Scarface were so cool. Having the ability to buy your own profitable companies (like the Cab Depot, the Ice Cream Factory, the Paper Mill, etc.) was so much fun, something no other GTA game has done before or since. The 80s soundtrack was sweet (Journey and Mr. Mister, I'm looking in your direction!) and the voice acting was done by some big-name stars. This game was overall greatness.

This is honestly one of the most fun games I have ever played in my life. The first was equally as good, it's just that this one had a bit more to it, so it made the list instead. Every Star Wars character you can think of, LEGO-fied and made all cute and cuddly, then thrown into the action. I think this is actually the first Star Wars game that lets you play through the action scenes of the MOVIES, as opposed to all the others that just make shit up. I just wish they hadn't made the bundle for the 360 (which included both 1 & 2, as well as a bunch of extras). Those money-grubbing bastards.

I think this was one of the very, very first games to ever come out on the original Xbox. I rented it once, and I re-rented it a bunch more times because of how fucking addicting it is! Eventually I bought it used; I hate used games, but I couldn't find it new and I had to have it. It's only 1 player, but you play as two characters named Abe and Munch. Your goal is to save your planet Oddworld from a shitload of evil industrial guys. Abe could possess enemies, and then you can control them and make the enemies fight amongst themselves. Genius. This is also probably the funniest video game ever made. The voices are so bizarre and the lines they spew are so childish and immature that it's hilarious. One whole sub-plot of the game involves possessing rich people and making them give away all their money. Oddworld rocks. The sequel, Stranger's Wrath, is just as awesome, but it just missed making this list.

Very few people have played this game, and most haven't even heard of it. But this was THE reason I bought an Xbox in the first place. You play as a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the game takes place two months before (and then eventually, during) the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. What was great about this game were the conrols: you had a lightsaber. But it wasn't controlled by the lame little X button or by (groan) the gay-ass triggers. No, the saber was controlled entirely by the right thumbstick. So if you rotated the thumbstick in a circle, Obi-Wan would swing in a circle. As a result, the controls were so freaking smooth it was like an orgasm. You could pull off kickass moves and totally look good doing them. The game was just the right length and difficulty, too. Obi-Wan, you are my hero.

When I finally got the chance to play San Andreas, I was blown away by just about everything in it. Most of all, I'm still blown away by the fact that it's way better than the game that came AFTER it, Grand Theft Auto IV! The voice acting was performed by stellar, well-known actors (in GTA IV they were good, but they were no-names). The characters were deep, rich and very well-developed. The amount of different cars, missions and locations was immense. There was so much cool shit to do. You could work out, you could buy a bunch of different clothes, then mix and match wardrobes (a feature those bastards took away in GTA IV for some dumb reason), you could have girlfriends, you could fly jet planes and parachute out of them (again, not in GTA IV), you could go to drving/flying/boating school (not in GTA IV!), you could go to rural places like farms, fields, lakes and deserts (not in GTA IV!), you could ride BMX bikes (not in GTA IV!), you interact with a bunch of characters from the previous two games in the series (not in GTA IV!), you could customize any car you want in any way you want (not in GTA IV!), you could buy a crapload of different safehouses all across the map (not in GTA IV!), the text was big enough so that you could actually read it (not in GTA IV!), and best of all, the missions were exciting, with a variety of different objectives (not in GTA IV!). Rockstar had it right with San Andreas. Please, please make the next game like this one!

This is the third Star Wars game on this list. The onl reason I think it kicks more ass than Obi-Wan & San Andreas is because this game is a mega-huge RPG with an amazing twist storyline, the ability to play as a man or woman, the ability to be either good or evil, a team of really cool characters who join your party, fun quests & missions, awesome upgrades, weapons and Force powers, and...lightsabers. Lots & lots of lightsabers. You have to wait a long time to get one, beacuse when you start off, you're not a Jedi. When you reach the third location in the game, you finally do your Jedi training, but you don't actually get a saber until you kill some schmuck out in the fields who happens to be carrying one. Then, it's all good. You can upgrade your saber's power, colour and even carry two at once. It was a really big toss-up between this and San Andreas for #1, but in the end, I went with Star Wars. This game was epic, it was fun, it was very challenging, and it had a sweet sequel to boot. Bring on number 3!

Next time on Strawberry Toaster Oven: I will attempt the probably impossible. Taking into consideration these lists I've been making regarding games, I'm gonna make a Top 10 list of (wait for it) my all-time favourite video agmes, EVER. Period. Exciting? For me, hell yes. For you, probably not, but if I cared, I wouldn't be writing this (or would I?).
So stay tuned, kiddies, for the final Top 10 video game list.
if you read this far, you have no life...but I respect that.

"I don't want to be considered as a Jedi anymore. Just think of me as any other regular member of the team. With a lightsaber. And Force powers."
-Jolee Bindo, Knights of the Old Republic

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Nintendo 64

Since I started this crazy video game theme, I'll continue it with two more, much more recent systems. The first will be the ever-lovin' Nintendo 64, in all it's 64-bit, 3-D glory. If you didn't have an N64, you were nuthin, and your friends had the right to hit you on a daily basis.
I won't delay any longer, though. Here are my Top 10 favourite Nintendo 64 games ever.

There have been a buttload of great Star Wars games since this one, but I'll be damned if I can think of any good ones that came BEFORE it. Shadows was amazing: you played as an expanded universe character named Dash Rendar (basically Han Solo but with more facial hair), who shot and jumped his way through a bunch of kickass parts of the galaxy. With Dash, you got to fight in the Battle of Hoth, ride swoop bikes through the canyons of Tatooine, take on both Boba Fett AND IG-88, and save Princess Leia from some crime lord with green skin. All in all, a terrific gaming experience that paved the way for tons more Star Wars masterpieces to come.

This was probably one of the best Disney video games ever made. For the first time ever, you got to control a fully-equipped, 3-D Buzz Lightyear. You got to shoot your lasers, and wear rocket boots and glow in the dark and say "To Infinity & Beyond" a lot. The whole cast of Toy Story was there too, helping you out by giving you power-ups and other useful stuff. The point of the game was to collect a bunch of Pizza Planet tokens so you could unlock more levels and eventually save Woody from that old prospector who was voiced by Frasier Crane. Just seeing that wacky cartoon spaceman in action, shooting lasers and sliding down electrical wires, makes you realize that Andy had it right: Buzz Lightyear is the coolest toy in the world.

There were about two million Mario Party games, and I'm sure they were all great. but the first one is the only one I've played, and it still holds up today! What makes this game so great? Well, it's like a combination of everything. It's an interactive board game with collectible items, booby-traps, obstacles, constantly-shifting objectives, and a shitload of mini-games in between. To top it off, it's all done in that wonderful, charming Mario style. Personally, I liked playing as Luigi. I'm still really anxious to try out Mario Party 2-8. Or is it 2-9. Who knows anymore?

To be honest, I was never a wrestling fan growing up. I had a collector's cup with Hulk Hogan on it, but that's about it. But this game is just so damn fun that I didn't have to know all of the Undertaker's nicknames and personality traits in order to enjoy it. You could choose from about thirty or forty different wrestlers, all with their own unique moves, and then take the fight to the ring to see how well you do. There's even an option to turn blood on or off. The most fun was just playing a 4-person battle royale and slugging the shit out of each other. Pull a guy out of the ring, then grab a folding chair and whack him in the face so his nose gushes blood like a faucet. Woooooo!

I know, people are probably upset that such a kickass game is only Number 6 on my list. But please, let me explain. Mario 64 was beyond awesome, it's just that I spent way more hours enjoying the other games than I did this one. Super Mario 64 is a completely enjoyable experience, though, and if you haven't played it, you are NOT a Mario fan. It boasted a ton of levels, zillions of things to do and collect, and so many Power Stars it'll make your head swim. Plus, you got to challenge Bowser not one, not two, but THREE different times! And each time, he got tougher and tougher. You didn't have to beat around the bush with any of this Koopa Kid bullshit: you just went straight for Bowser. Super Mario 64 made Mario even more amazing than he already was.

A sequel to one of the best games ever made, MM had some big shoes to fill. Despite that, it did very well for itself. Even though it's probably one of the shortest Zelda games to date, it was so fun you wouldn't even notice. Besides, the way Zelda games are, there's so much to do, see, and collect, that it feels much longer than it really is. What was cool was that they brought back the aspect of time travel, but gave it a new twist: you have 3 days to stop a moon from colliding with the earth, but in order to save everyone, you've gotta keep going back in time and reliving those same 3 days over and over, making subtle changes here and there, until the bad guys are stopped and the moon is destroyed. It's like that movie Groundhog Day...just, you know, with monsters.

This game came out after Super Mario 64, so it ended up being much more fun thatn the Mario title (although Mario was lots of fun already, so you can only imagine). DK64 let you play as five different Kongs: Donkey, Tiny, Chunky, Lanky and (the coolest of all) Diddy. But it had some insane gameplay. You start off just with DK himself, and as you progress through the game you save your friends, one by one. Then, you've gotta go back and replay all the levels with your new Kong buddies, because each level has areas that only individual Kongs can enter! This game was made perfectly, and it was HUGE, so good luck beating it.

Wow, Mario's got three titles in this Top 10 list so far. But I guess that's just because he's so badass. I never had an SNES as a kid, so I never got to play Super Mario RPG. But that's okay, because if you ask me, Paper Mario is a million times more fun! Despite the fact that it was a mega-fun RPG with a bunch of different playable characters, Paper Mario had a look that was beautiful and unique: completely flat, 2-D characters moving against 3-D backgrounds and environments. In other words, a Barbie Dollhouse with cut-out paper dolls in it. It's worth checking this game out just for it's sweet look, but the fun factor will suck you right in.

Since I'm an only child, I did most of my gaming by myself. But when I got together with the cousins, it was a different story. And then, they got this game: Goldeneye 007. I remember thinking, "Hmm. A James Bond game. that's kinda weird. But, let's give it a shot." And I am glad I did. This is probably the only first-person shooter that I actually really enjoy. In story mode, you can take Bond through a bunch of long and intensely exciting levels, shooting random Russian drones and completing your secret agent objectives. But the real fun was in the multiplayer. Two to four players in an arena (the Stack was my favourite) trying to blow one another's brains out with a bunch of assorted, unique weapons. To amp up the excitement, we would always set it on One-Hit kills: if you got shot in the toe, you were a goner. I have no multiplayer gaming memories fonder than the golden days of Goldeneye. Cheers, Mr. Bond.

Not only is this my absolute favourite Nintendo 64 title, but it's probably one of my favourite video games ever. Period. Here's an example of how much I love it. Think of your favourite action/adventure or RPG game, one of those huge games with swords and magic and all that jazz. Now, think of how many times you've played that game from start to finish. You might love it, but you can only play a game that long so many times, right?
I've played Zelda: OOT, from beginning to end, at least twelve times already, and it never, ever gets old. In fact, I want to play it right now, just thinking about it. There's no way I could do this game any justice just by writing a dinky little paragraph about it on this blog. All I can say is that this is a game that will keep you up until 4 in the morning. This game will have you addicted like a junkie on crack. You keep promising yourself: "I'll turn it off once I find this one last item" or, "As soon as I kill one more spider. Okay, THREE more spiders." I can't think of one bad thing about this game. Please, just do yourself a favour and play it. You won't be able to die happy until you do.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Sega Genesis, Part Deux

You've seen the rest, now see the best! Here's the final ten listings of my Top 15 all-time favourite Sega Genesis games. If you don't agree with them, then you're a fuck face.

Aside from the classic Zelda, this was one of the first medieval hack-n-slash games I've ever played. You could be either a generic fighter guy or an old wizard. The wizard was slower and weaker, but I always picked him because his magic attacks were more powerful. I could never beat it as a kid because of its difficulty. But it's actually a really short game, so I'm eager to take a crack at it today.

To this day, MK still holds up as one of the best fighting games ever made. The newest game in the series, Mortal Kombat Armageddon, boasts a shitload of characters. But the one that started it all had a lot to offer too. The characters were great, the realistic animation looked awesome, the moves were fun and easy to learn, the arenas were well-detailed, and the bosses were freaking scary (Goro, I'm looking in your direction!). Plus, this game introduced the concept of Fatalities, something other fighters have copied over the years. I mean, who didn't love uppercutting some sum'bitch off the Pit and into the sea of spikes that lay at the bottom?

Another great Disney game. I remember getting this for my birthday and being uber-psyched to play it. What was cool was that you could control Simba through both stages of his life, cub and adult (and, keeping with movie continuity, cub Simba couldn't roar very well). There was a nice little change of pace with the Stampede level. At the end, though, this game started getting insanely hard, particularly the last three levels. The lava level is a bitch, especially because it wasn't in the movie at all. And unless you know exactly what to do and how to do it, good luck fighting Scar. This game has some sentimental value for me, because it's the first game that I beat before my older cousins did.

This game was just plain fucked-up, but it was a LOT of fun. You play as Headdy, some weird little orange bird-creature, whose head could shoot off of his body as a weapon. Along the way, you pick up upgrades that can make your head go through walls, give it super-strength, allow it to shoot ninja stars, or even turn it into a biplane so you could fly. The last boss is some douchebag named Dark Demon, and if you don't get a pen & paper and write down his attack pattern so you can remember how it goes, then you will not beat him. Seriously. But there was a basketball mini-game! Boom-shaka-laka!

#6 X-MEN
What an awesome Marvel comics game. But what a fucking hard one to boot! Controlling either Wolverine, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, or Gambit, you must lead the X-Men through five or six levels filled with more enemies and pitfalls than you can imagine. What was awesome about this game was that it came straight form the Fox kids cartoon, so all of the characters were there. Five of the other X-Men help you out in battle, and you get to take on a crapload of villains, like Mojo, Apocalypse, Sabretooth, Juggernaut, and eventually Magneto. Not like I've ever made it up to Magneto or anything. Did I mention that this game is really, really hard?

Let's face it, every boy wanted to be Aladdin after watching that kick-ass movie. Thanks to this game, they could very well be Aladdin. Not only did you get a sweet scimitar to slash your enemies with, but you could throw apples. Yeah, apples. The only weird thing is, you needed apples to kill Jafar, which made no sense because he was a giant fucking snake! You could also fly your magic carpet at breakneck speeds through a cave that is boiling with red-hot lava. But of course, the biggest rush of all is, once you beat Jafar's ass into submission, you get to bone Princess Jasmine. "Arabian Nights" is right...

Whew! This game took me so long to beat, that it became like a personal test of endurance! But what an amazing beat-em-up game it was! You could play as both Spidey AND Venom, patrolling the mean streets of New York and kicking the snot out of Carnage, Shriek, Doppelganger, Carrion, Demogoblin and a shitload of ambitious street punks! It was amazing! Plus, as if that weren't enough, you get help from other Marvel characters, like Captain America, Iron Fist, and Deathlok. I mean, in what other game can you ask for help from DEATHLOK?!!? Hell, before I played this game, I didn't even know who the fuck Deathlok was! Just for the record, when I finally DID beat this game, I did it with Venom. Venom rocks.

Unlike with the Mario franchise, Sega made sure their mascot character had a great sequel to their first starring title. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 delivered a bigger, faster and more action-packed game than the first, with a bunch more stages, cooler enemies, and the introduction of Sonic's wimpy little buddy, Tails the fox! The hardest part was having to get past the second-last boss: Metal Sonic. Not only did the guy have a nearly unpredictable fighting style, but you had to fight him with zero power rings at your disposal, meaning one hit, and you DIE. Metal Sonic took about ten hits to kill. Fair? Nope.

What can I say? I've got a weakness for the classics! No Sega Genesis game has more sentimental and nostalgic meaning to me than the original, platform-launching Sonic the Hedgehog (with the possible exception of that Mickey Mouse game). Sonic could run fast and he could kick ass. Every level of that game was long, fun and challenging. I've played it so many times, I've actually memorized every single piece of music in the game! Sad, I know. but that's what makes this game so good: you COULD play it over and over and over. And I did. Oh, I did. I played it at home. I played it at my cousin's house. I played it at my other cousin's house. I played it when I got home from church. I played it after school. I played it before school. Sonic the Hedgehog rocks my fucking world.

I like role-playing games. I also like medieval fantasy games. So when I first played this, I was blown a-goddamn-way. Shining Force is a tactics game, much like the popular Fire Emblem series, except this one was really old school. It was just SO much fun. You start off with a group of about five characters, trying to bust through this temple. As the game goes on, you expand your number of allies. By the time I got about 80% through it, I had literally 30 different characters to choose from! Every character had their own cool powers, weapons & abilities. And when you reach level 20, they get promoted: their weapons change, their stats go up by an insane amount, and they even get more badass-looking clothes. The only reason this game tops Sonic on my list is because it's so fucking big, with so much to it that you could probably play it for a straight year. I want to play it right now.
In fact, I think I will.

Game Over.

-announcers at the beginning of Sonic the Hedgehog

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Sega Genesis

Now, I love the Nintendo Entertainment System; it rocked the fucking casbah! But still, the Sega Genesis had an even bigger impact on me, because although I grew up playing Zelda and Mario, Sega Genesis was the hottest thing at the time when i was at the perfect age to start becoming a "gamer". I've got a lot of fond memories of playing Sega Genesis with my cousins when we were really little. So many memories, in fact, that I was stumped as to what games I should put on a Top 10 Sega genesis games list.
So, I made a Top 15, and split the entry up into two parts because I'm that goddamn clever. Right?
So, here's 15 through to 11 of my Top 15 favourite Sega Genesis games ever.

To this day, this is still the most fun basketball video game (probably even the most fun sports video game) I have ever played. The music was cool, the commentator's commentary was really funny, and it had real pictures of all the ball players. Plus, there were a few secret characters...including the motha-fucking fresh Prince himself, Will Smith! I mean, come on, what other video game lets you actually "shoot some b-ball outside of the school" with the Prince? The answer is: no other game.

This was a really cool flying/shooter. Instead of being in a random generic plane that shot bullets or missiles at tanks and stuff (booooring), you were a knight flying on a pegasus, shooting fireballs out of your magic sword and beating the living crap out of a bunch of creatures straight outta Greek mythology: medusa, cyclops, fire-beings, they were all there. I liked this game so much, that when I started writing a novel, I named one of my characters after it!

This game had a pretty nifty concept to it. You were some fat fuck with a blonde ponytail and sunglasses who draws comic books for a living. Then one day, there's a lightning storm and you get zapped into your own comic, where you have to fight your own creatures and supervillains and stuff. the fact that every level looked like pages of a comic book was just plain awesome. It's not the best game in the world, but if you like comics and games, you should play it at least once.

I remember renting this, having never seen the TV show, and thinking: this is one of the funniest games I've ever played! I've only been through a couple of levels of the first one, but I've never actually played that one all the way through. This game made we love EWJ, though. I bought all of his action figures after. Nothing is more fun than catching puppies (who have been thrown out of a window by the bad guy) on a huge marshamllow while classical Italian music plays in the background.

I know, I KNOW! A video game where M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E is the main character! But in truth, Mickey had a bunch of really fun games for the Genesis. Castle of Illusion was my favourite, though. You gotta go through a bunch of doors in this castle and collect seven gems so that you can build a rainbow bridge to get to the last boss, the evil queen/witch from Snow White, who basically fights and even moves exactly like Dracula at the end of Castlevania II. If you beat her, then you save Minnie, and she gives you a kiss.
Best. Ending. Ever.

Stay tuned, you sexy animal, you, for the secxond part of my Top 15 list. Coming soon. Really soon. Hell, I'll probably start writing it as soon as I'm done with THIS piece of crap.
I love you.

-the NBA Jam commentator

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Video games are wicked awesome. It's a fact of nerd-life. Kids today play video games a lot, but unfortunately, they haven't had the experience of living through the entire video game era. If you're oh, say, 21 right now, then you're at the absolute perfect age. You've seen it all. Like a parent with a child, you've watched video games transform and mature over the decades from squeaky, pixelated headache-boxes to the sleek, 3-dimensional behemoths we have today.

And although many other systems came before it, all gamers would agree that the true era of video game coolness began with one little grey and black rectangle: the Nintendo Entertainment System.
I'm sure most of you out there have spent your share of hours holding that two-buttoned NES controller in your hand. I know I have. So, I've compiled a little list: my top 10 favourite NES games ever. You might agree or disagree with my choices, but hey, that's what the comment box is for! Give me your own thoughts on your NES experiences, too!

In all honesty, this game gets boring pretty fast. But back when we were kids, there was nothing quite like holding that big, blocky orange-and-grey gun and shooting at your TV screen. If it wasn't for that fucking dog laughing at me every time I missed (which was quite often, because i SUCKED at Duck Hunt), then this game might have been higher up on my list.
But that dog is just an asshole. Did I mention I hate that dog?

Go ahead and laugh, but Disney video games are usually awesome, and this was no exception. The fact that you could encase your enemy in a bubble, then launch his sorry ass at another enemy to take them both out with one loud POP almost makes you forget that you're playing as a sixteen-year-old mermaid with a seashell bra. Getting up to Ursula (the last boss) was a huge achievement for a four-year-old. Good on me!

This was one of the few NES games that really tried to give the graphics a more three-dimensional feel, and it looked superb (for its time). Wheeling down that sidewalk at breakneck speeds, tossing newspapers and dodging punk-ass little skateboarders was one of the biggest NES rushes around. Plus, the fact that you could encounter dogs, angry fat women, tornadoes, F-1 racers, and even Death himself brought this game from Awesome to Wicked Awesome.

I don't care what anybody says, Dr. Mario is a zillion times more fun than Tetris. And Tetris is extremely fun, so that is saying something. The colours were bright, the germs were cute n' wacky, and the music was insanely catchy (which is an important thing for video games). Dropping all those little pills on top of a bunch of flu and cold germs gave one an intense feeling of satisfaction. Try playing it when you're actually sick for extra effect!

"I hold your city captive and Ryan's girlfriend hostage". With these fateful words, slimy bad-guy Slick brings you on into one of the coolest games ever. Play as either Ryan or Alex, two greasers who look exactly the same but with different shirt colours, and bop your way through a huge city crawling with punks. Use chains, brass knuckles and other weapons to slug those douches in the face, then steal their coins and use them to buy sushi, waffles, hamburgers and books! This game set the bar for similar games to come later, including the popular GTA series. Seriously.

Again, Disney games are off the fucking chain! This game puts you in control of Bob Hoskins' rough-around-the-edges private dick, Eddie Valiant. You and Roger have to crawl through two VERY big cities, sneaking into buildings and hotel rooms, to gather clues as to the identity of the killer in one of the funniest murder mysteries ever. But the best part? If you get tired of walking, you can hail Benny, the talking cab, to drive you anywhere in the city!

Even though it's based off a lame game show that lasted from 1987 to 1991, this game was incredibly addictive. Pick from an assortment of contestants (the women of which come complete with 80s hairdos, and the men of which all look like they have Down syndrome) and then begin playing! This game has several layers of fun: trying to match up all the cool prizes, solving the rebus puzzle, then trying to win a sexy car at the end of it all!

Possibly the most beloved video game in history (ever). The music and visuals in this game will be forever etched into the minds of anyone who owned an NES console during its prime. And why not? This game has it all: you can swim, you can climb beanstalks, you can shoot fireballs, you can break bricks with your head, you can sink into pipes and emerge in an entirely different location! Like a grandparent we all love who has since passed on, older gamers of today will forever think of Super Mario Bros. with a small grin and a single tear of nostalgia in their eyes.

Nothing like it had ever been seen before. And everything like it that has been seen since has been seen BECAUSE of it. The Legend of Zelda, an epic, enormous fantasy quest, puts you in control of a little dude in a funny green hat named Link. Without any explanation, you're whisked into a massive world full of fucked-up monsters and hidden weapons. Because of its size and difficulty (I STILL haven't actually beaten it), The Legend of Zelda became the first game ever with the ability to save your progress, so you don't have to hack your way down from the beginning every time you switch the damn thing on. As soon as you hear that slow eerie title music and see that cavern waterfall with the word Zelda floating over it in big, bright letters, you know you're in for a treat.

First, they took everything that was great about SMB 1 and expanded it. Then, they took everything that was shitty about SMB 2 and got rid of it completely. What they were left with was single-handedly (in my opinion) the coolest, funnest and most memorable game for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
On February 12th, 1990, the world got a game so good that they made an entire movie just to promote its upcoming release. This game had everything: tons of super-fun levels, huge maps, fortresses full of creepy villains, mini-games, treasures, pyramids, flying battleships, epic battles with the Koopa Kids, secret islands, magic flutes, flying suits, and a really angry sun that tried to kill you. Repeatedly.
This game is so hard and lenghty, I've only beaten it twice. But there are so many secrets and side quests and fun little things to do, that even if you don't beat it, you still feel fulfilled. You've had a great gaming experience, which is what counts. If you haven't played it, play it NOW.
Power off.

"Thank you, Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"
-those fucking Toads