Monday, July 28, 2008

Great Debate

Okay, so here's something to debate over:
C-3PO: Gay, or just Artsy-Fartsy?
He was programmed for etiquette and protocol. He's fluent in over six million forms of communication. But can everybody's favourite golden android really be a deep-in-the-closet Dumbledore? Well, let's look at the facts, and try and see for ourselves.

-when we first see him in Episode I, he's worried because his "parts" are showing.

-he's revered as a cuddly teddy bears.

-he spends all of his time hanging out with another male robot, who just so happens to be just high enough to be level with his crotch.

-he walks like he has (or has had) something stuck firmly up his bottom.

-he spent a good portion of "The Empire Strikes Back" riding piggyback on Chewbacca.

-he was built by a VERY lonely little boy

-there's just something creepy about the way he says "human-cyborg relations".

So, what does everyone else think? Is our friend C-3PO really a mechanical metaphor for man-on-man mambo? Or is he just a misunderstood, effeminate robot, like Tom Cruise? Post your opinions, if you dare.
Next week...Frodo and Sam: Brokeback Mount Doom?

"Thank the maker! This oil bath is going to feel sooooo good!"

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Look Who's Blogging, Too

That's slang for 'welcome', and a welcome is what I am extending to all of the new members of Strawberry Toaster Oven. You know who you are, you maverick renegades, you.
So, I am going to make you all some delightful little promises, and I will actually keep some of them, too! I promise to post on a more regular basis, keeping the gaps between posts fewer and farther between. I promise to make my posts interesting and wonderful, so that you'll actually want to read them. Above all, I promise to keep you happy, to bring a smile to your faces and a twinkle to your eyes.
So all of you can look forward to a wonderful experience. Because, frankly, everyone has a shitty day every now and then. And on that shitty day, you can sleep soundly knowing that you can just log onto STO, and it'll light up your day, even for just a little. I am the host; you are my guests of honor. So, to quote the gypsy, "Let me entertain you."
I'll depart on a little riddle, top keep your minds thinking sharp:
If you break me, I'll still keep working. However, if you can touch me, then my job is done. What am I?

See you soon, everyone. And I promise, next time I'll remember the name of my own blog.

"High school boyfriends are just an obstacle."
-Lex Luthor

Friday, July 25, 2008

Breakfast Obituary

Please remember in our prayers today a beloved woman, who has pleased us all with her sweet smile and her sweet treats for generations.
Aunt Jemima, beloved icon of table syrup everywhere, died peacefully in her sleep last night. She had been taken from us far too early; at the age of 106, Aunt Jemima was beloved by all.
Friends and family alike gathered at the site of her gravestone, which had been crafted by world-renowned grave-sculptor Federico Pelarsia, to resemble a large stone bottle of syrup. Naturally, everyone was shocked and saddened by the news of the detah of such a treasured member of the food society.
"She was a real nice lady, ese," says Frito Bandito (64), a close family friend. "I always used to come over to her house in the mornings as a little kid, and she'd make me her yummy pancakes. I'm gonna miss her, eh."
One mourner who was particularly grief-stricken was the Pillsbury Doughboy. He had trained to bake in Aunt Jemima's kitchen since 1927. The Doughboy was so saddened by the loss that he was beyond words. When asked if he would vow to keep Jemima's memory alive, he replied between tears with an enthusiastic "Hmm-hmm!"
Close family friend Betty Crocker (57), who was as close to Jemima as anyone, was full of tears, but also full of hope. "She was a wonderful woman," Crocker tells us, "in all respects, she was amazing. But she got very sad after her husband Uncle Ben died. I think now she's at peace. I'M at peace knowing they're together again. I loved Jemima, and I'm sad to see her go, but her memory will never die. I know the secret recipe to her batter, and I promise to keep it going so more generations can enjoy it as I did."
A touching ceremony was followed by a brunch of pancakes, sausage and piping hot coffee over at Captain Crunch's place. Everyone agrees that they will sorely miss their friend, mentor and mother figure. But the whole world can rest easy, knowing that Aunt Jemima is pleasing taste buds and whipping up wonderful delights on that great big breakfast table in the sky.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Man Who Killed Everyone

This blog post is dedicated in "loving" memory to Martin Keamy, the man who killed everyone.

Did you know that Martin Keamy killed EVERYONE? For a guy who was only around for 8 episodes, he started some serious shit on the Island!
He killed Dr. Ray, Captain Gault, several Oceanic 815 redshirts, Karl, Alex and Danielle Rousseau. When he died, the bomb he was hooked into that connected with the freighter also killed Michael, possibly Jin, and countless others. It took the combined efforts of three badass characters to take him down (Sayid, Ben & Alpert).
Here's some fun facts about Martin Keamy:
-he died on December 30th, 2004
-his middle name is Christopher
-he was both large AND in charge
he first appeared in the episode "The Constant", and died in "There's No Place Like Home, Parts 2 & 3".
-his first name, Martin, comes from the Latin term 'martinus', which means 'Servant of Mars'. Mars was the god of war, and Keamy is a trigger-happy marine.
-in ancient Mayan astrology, there is a sign called KIMI, pronounced in the same way as Martin's last name. In Mayan, KIMI means 'death'.

Isn't Keamy great, folks? Here's hoping that in Season 5 we'll get to learn more about him, and maybe find out what the hell is problem was.
Next time, on Strawberry Toaster Oven...a tribute to Keamy's buddy, Omar!

"Tell your daddy goodbye."
-Martin Keamy

Monday, July 21, 2008

Tales From The Cryptologist

You know what I really hate?
Secret codes.
People thin that they're being all cool and mysterous by using them, but they're NOT.
Even when writers put secret codes into movies, they try to come up with new and clever ways to show secrets & codes, each more cever than the last, of course. That's what they think, anyway. But they're dumb.
Take a look at the Ocean's 11 movies, for example. That movie has a bunch of guys acting ike secret agents, using lame codes and REALLY cheesy lines just because the writers think it sounds cool. It doesn'. They just come across as trying way too hard. For the record, did you ever notice tat nobody in the Ocean's 11 movies answers a question with an answer? They just answer it with another smart-assd question.
But anyway, ack to codes. Personally, I just think that, as a writing device, they're just way too overused. And in REAL life...well, in real life, spies and soldiers use them to safely relay sensitive messages to other counries and cities without being discovered. It's actually a great way to keep things hidden from your eneies...
Actually, now that I think about it, codes can be really cool in real life. If you can successfully pull one off and deliver informtion to someone without a third party understanding whatever it is you're talking about, you deserve a pat on the back. That's a hard thing to do! Especially these days, when people have so much code-cracking technology at their disposal. Like that Australian chick from Trasformers. She seemed to be able to crack that alien code pretty quickly for someone who barely looked 21.
Well, you know what, I guess I've changed my mind! As long as they're not used in movies, TV shows, or books, codes can be really cool! I love them now! In fact, I may just decide to post a blog entry with a shiny little code in it myself. Maybe write things backwards, or leave out key letters, or put a secret picture into the word formations. Codes open up a whole world of possibilities, don't they?
Well, until next time..."Repsorp Dna Gnol Evil".

"That's how it was with my father. Every answer leads to more questions."
-Mohinder Suresh

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dr. Fantasia's Read-Along Blog

On the seventeenth day in the month of July
I find myself wondering, wondering why
Channing Tatum is GI JOE's leading actor
When that guy really can't get any blacker

And now I'm thinking of Batman: The Dark Knight
And I am wondering, wondering, "Yeah, right,
If poor young Heath Ledger today was alive,
Would the movie have still gotten 5 out of 5?"

But off the topic of Hollywood for now,
I find myself wondering, wondering how
The Barenaked Ladies ruined their whole career
By snorting cocaine off a prostitute's rear.

Now getting back to Hollywood again,
I find myself wondering, wondering when
The actors will find a deal to their liking,
so they'll stop complaining and stop fucking striking.

So on this, the seventeenth day of July,
I find myself wondering, wondering why
This heat won't let up, cause I'm starting to fry.
Another few hours and I'll surely die!

Now it's time for bed, I'm starting to feel drousy.
I promise my next entry won't be so lousy.
If you're a hot chick then, please, give me a shout!
Until next time, sweethearts, it's over & out.


"Singing is the lowest form of communication."
-Homer Simpson

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Little Me on the Prairie

So I woke up at 6 this morning and headed out to a nearby studio, where I was to shadow my teacher on the set of Little Mosque on the Prairie. I was to watch and learn. I was to listen, reflect and observe. I was not to interfere.
How quickly that changed.
Less than a half hour into the shoot, the director was wringing his hands over a particular extra who had decided to show up and THEN tell them that he wouldn't be available for the following day's shoot. That was when the director looked at me, pointed a long finger, and said, "YOU. Can you fill in for someone? Do you feel like making a little money?"
I take back all of those things I said about movie situatuions never taking place in reality.
I spent the next ten and a half hours as a young newlywed, seated next to my Muslim wife at a marriage counseling seminar, within the walls of delightful little mosque in Mercy, Saskatchewan.
What followed was nothing short of a dream come true: getting to act on a professional set, with professional actors, in front of a camera that was bigger than me; getting access to free food and beverages at any time of the day; being given a shirt to wear that firt me perfectly and looked pretty damn good; being given my own dressing room; schmoozing with cast and crew, and all those other things that make the life of an actor so overwhelmingly enjoyable.
And the best part is, there's another day of it to come tomorrow.

Assalamu alaikum.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The Teacup of Doom

I'm uber-proud of myself today. I fought off a computer virus earlier. It was posing as a Norton's Anti-Virus Download, but I quickly realized that real Windows downloads don't have spelling errors.
Anywhoo, I made myself a delicious and nutritious cup of tea with honey tonight as I was studying a monologue for class tomorrow. I have reason to believe that I somehow drugged myself, because soon after finishing the tea I began feeling sleepy, dizzy and extremely hot. My guess is that I slipped something into the tea when I wasn't looking, and then served it to myself without me being the wiser. Of course, I didn't see it coming (by it, I mean me) and I got the better of myself easily, which makes me proud of myself but doesn't say very much for me.

I swear, that all made sense in my head before I wrote it down.

For a movie so short, Kung-Fu Panda has way too many big-name actors in it, especially since some of them have extremely small parts, and Jackie Chan (the only actual kung-fu guy in the cast) had literally three lines. Still, it was very fun watching animals beat the living shit out of each other. Can I say shit on this blog? I hope so.
Everybody be good until I get back. Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine.

I poisoned it :)

"No more runnin'...I aim to misbehave."
-Malcolm Reynolds

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Noodles: The Silent Killer

I just ate a staple of bachelor life (which means I'd better get damn used to it): a bowl of macaroni and cheese. This was not Kraft Dinner at all, but a cheap knock-off called "Alice's". The noodles were shaped like shells.
I wonder what people were thinking when they were coming up with different shapes for noodles. I mean, KD is just a semi-circular shape with holes at either end. Then some people make shells, others make bow-ties. Penne noodles are cylindrical, either fat or thin. Spaghetti noodoes are long and tiresome.
So, out of all of these, which one is the original noodle? I mean, there had to be a first noodle, liek a prototype, and then some guy was like, "Hey...let's make shells instead of this." And then a bunch of people probably applauded.

A package of macaroni & cheese is evil. It tricks you. People like me wait until they're really hungry, then they make some. But, you ALWAYS get full before you can finish a full package. And what you have left over is too small to save for tomorrow but too much to be eaten now, since you've already had more than enough.
So, you just sigh and leave it. Then, the next day, you're feeling hungry again, and you see the pot on the stove & you think, "Oh, yeah. I have noodles waiting for me!" And then you lift the lid and there's just this awkward silence. Then you're like, "That's it?:"
It's like seeing a really bad movie that got hyped up too much. You can actually feel your face falling with disappointment. And you're tempted to make another pack, but then the problem is just gonna become cyclical.

The moral of the story?
Eat out.
Literally, not sexually.

You were thinking it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Cliffhanger Bonanza

I just finished watching the Season 3 finale of Smallville, which ended on a cliffhanger that completely blew my mind. So it got me thinking about all of the other great times in pop culture history when we've been left with our jaws hanging open in a crude manner.
First, there was Dallas. That one season (damned if I could tell you which) ended with a literal bang, and the subsequent summer was spent with everyone asking (and wearing t-shirts to the effect of) "Who Shot J.R.?" The Simpsons ended their seventh season with their own twisted version, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?"
In 1980, "The Empire Strikes Back" ended with Han Solo frozen in carbonite, Leia worried sick, Luke with a missing hand, Lando & Chewie sailing off into god knows where, and the lingering question of whether or not that happy chap Darth Vader is really Luke's father. And we have to wait 3 years to get the answers. Ouch!
When "Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince" came out, everyone knew that there would only be one more book in the series to follow it. But what a way to prep us for that one last book! Aside from the obvious tragedy of Dumbledore getting his old ass murdered, murderer Severus Snape ran off into the night, war had begun and Harry announced he was going to leave school and search for the 3 or 4 items that were key to defeating hideously evil (but totally fabulous!) villain, Lord Voldemort.
"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" ended with a surprise cliffhanger that caught everybody off guard. Fan-favorite hero Jack Sparrow was swallowed by a kraken, Norrington sold himself out to the villains and handed them the power of Davy Jones' heart, and the good guys swore an oath to save Jack, with the help of one man...the villain of the first Pirates flick, back from the dead. The ten-month, pirate-free gap that followed until the conclusion was, shall I say, "arrrrr-duous" (teehee).
Lost, the most addictive show on television, ends pretty much every one of its episodes with a nail-biting cliffhanger. but after 4 stellar seasons, the finale of Season 3 still resonates the most. First, we learn that there is a freighter waiting off shore, with possible rescue. Next, we watch as Charlie, the lovable British VH1 has-been, drowns himself to save everyone else. Finally, we see Jack, our scruffy hero, looking twice as scruffy. After visitng a mysterious closed-casket wake (which leaves little to no clues as to the identity of the dearly departed), Jack meets up with Kate, revealing that this is all the future, they've gotten off the island, and apparently Jack really, really wants to go back.
These cliffhangers are all great, but there is one that, in my opinion, is the best of them all. One that is definitely my absolute favorite. And I'm going to tell you exactly what it is.

Sorry to keep you hanging